I happened across some photographs that reminded me of one of the biggest moral dilemmas that I have ever faced in my entire life.
Generally speaking, killing is wrong. One of the ten commandments appears to be clear about it: Thou shalt not kill.
A good enough message, on the surface. But this gets complicated when someone breaks your door down in the middle of the night, and is set on killing you and your family in order to rob you. If you kill them, is that still wrong? Yes, you are in self-defense, and we humans can understand that and figure it out. But could this particular god figure it out?
It gets even more complicated when discussing whether or not slavery is right or wrong, when the bible was used to justify the ownership of human beings. It even has very clear rules on how to own human beings.
I’ve had Christians ask me, “If you don’t believe in the bible, then how did you know to not kill your parents?” It’s probably the most insulting question of all time. It’s as if that thought crosses their mind, and then they pause to open a bible and look it up. That’s an insult to Humanity.
I had a dilemma in my mind, a situation in my real life, where I wanted to kill someone. It was not about rage, anger, or hatred. It was not about financial gain. It wasn’t about some random stranger.
My grandmother and I were very close. When I was little, she would tell me that she wanted me to become a famous doctor who cured the world of the things that lead to death. She also said that she never wanted to live in a vegetative state, and would rather be dead. “If that ever happens, I hope that someone will kill me.”
I never became that doctor. One day, she had a stroke. It was really bad, but she lived. Next thing you know, she’s in a “home” in a vegetative state. She would be sitting in a wheel chair, drooling, and being fed pudding, while they’re re-teaching her the alphabet and giving her medication to keep her alive.
I went to visit her, and it was horrific. She had ended up in a place, with everything she feared, everything she hated. Her eyes were hollow, and her grin was wide, vacant, and uninspired, like how a monster in a horror movie might grin. If I looked hard enough, I could see some pain in what little bit might have been left of her. Maybe that was my imagination.
And for a moment, I wanted to hold a pillow over her face, to stop her pain. I cried so hard about it.
I wanted to kill my grandmother, that one person whom I loved so much. That one person who made me who I am today. That person who cared, and took the time to teach me and guide me. I wanted to take her pain away.
But I couldn’t do it. I knew back home that I had a baby son, and that he needed me in this world. I looked in my grandmother’s eyes. She did not know who I was, and I had just reminded her a few minutes earlier. I left and never went back. She lingered for ten years, before finally dying.
I DID THE RIGHT THING, AND THE WRONG THING
To this day, I sincerely believe [since I don’t know] that I did the wrong thing for my grandmother. My only hope is that “she” was dead, and the husk that once was her was nothing more than a life-form of pulsating meat, waiting to expire.
At the same time, I am fairly certain that I did the right thing for my son, as he had a father who was there for him, instead of in prison for doing the right thing for his grandmother.
I find that particular commandment about not killing to be so childish; so black-and-white in its approach. Maybe it’s easier to have a bumper sticker, sound byte rule for the uneducated, unwashed masses.
Had I gone through with it, then chances are good that I would have been put on death row and executed by the “Christian” leadership of this country, which is also killing. Would that be right or wrong? I see it as wrong, due to what my motives would have been.
That was the first time that I had ever been in a position where I felt that killing would be the right thing to do. It was one of the most difficult events of my life.
ANOTHER DECISION THIS YEAR
My situation with my grandmother was just over 20 years ago.
I found myself in a similar, yet slight different position, yet gain, in April of this year, when my girlfriend’s older brother had a health issue related to his recent Diabetes diagnosis. He was taking his medication, but had not yet modified his diet. He lived alone.
He did not show up for work, so they called us to see if we knew anything about it. He loved his job, so we got worried and had a relative who lives closer to him go over and check. No answer at the door, and his car was in the lot. The landlord would not open the door, so she called the police for “a well visit.”
They gained entry, and found him on the floor. He was naked, wet, and in some type of sugar shock.
Their guess was that he was in the shower when he felt that something was wrong. So he got out of the shower and tried to make it to the door to call for help. He didn’t make it.
At the hospital, his sugar levels were through the roof. He was on life support. Initially, we were hopeful. But then there was talk of organ failure, and more than one organ. It kept getting worse. A neurologist ran some test, and told us that the part of his brain that makes him “that person we know” is dead.
We had a decision to make. It was difficult for my girlfriend, as she struggled with it. This was the only person left in her immediate family, so if he died, then she would be “alone.”
I reminded her of my story about my grandmother. I told her that, “If you love your brother, then you will end his suffering.”
We talked about it more, and eventually agreed and made the decision to remove life support. Then we sat by his bed for ten hours, watching and waiting as he died. We saw his last breath.
Since we made the decision to remove life support, are we killers in the eyes of this mythological god?
THWARTING GOD’S WILL
There was this one nosy nurse who came in before the shift change, when her brother’s body was still clinging to life. She saw in the file that we had made the decision to remove life support. It didn’t take long for me to see that she was one of those “good Christians” that comes up from time to time.
Already knowing the answer, based on the file, she asked us if we were the ones who made the decision to remove support. We said we were. She then asked, “Who are YOU to thwart god’s will?”
This came off as rather rude and insensitive. I reminded her that modern medicine and medical machines are hard at work every single day in an effort to thwart the will of this god. These machines are relatively NEW in the context of human history, and that they’re a product of SCIENCE. If we relied on nothing more than your god, then we’d not have these things. AND, if these things did not exist, then his suffering would have ended a long, long time ago.
You are an agent of science, working every day to thwart the will of your god, and YOU GET PAID FOR IT! So don’t come in here preaching to us any more!
We did file a complaint. I hope that she saw her hypocrisy and quit, but I seriously doubt it. Her mental gymnastics were on a certain Nadia Comanici level that probably can’t be beaten.
THOUGHTS
These are two slightly different situations, requiring two slightly different actions.
For my grandmother’s situation, I did nothing. To this day, I see it as both the right thing AND wrong thing to do.
As for my girlfriend’s brother, I have no doubt that it was the right decision, and that decision did result in his death, even though “he” was dead long before we made the call.
I think that the concept of killing is a very complex issue. To me, it is very obvious when it comes to NOT killing my neighbor to steal his wallet, and things like that. Those scenarios are wrong to me, and may be due to a complex mix of empathy, social and legal pressures, and just not wanting to feel something that horrible.
But when it comes to situations like my grandmother, the motivation was love, which is more powerful and important to me than money or revenge.
Context is everything. While I think there is a context to killing, where there are VERY RARE cases that may justify it, I also think that the “commandment” about not killing is simply not enough when it comes to addressing the complexity of this horrible issue. In the cases where it might be justified, the issue is still far from easy.
It’s a good thing that we humans do not have to rely on an ancient book to get our morality. There is a big difference between the bad idea of getting moral behavioral advice from a book, and the bad idea of using that book to justify horrific behavior.
Dang Martin 6 years, 11 months ago.
The source below also references non-English versions, and gets into some points about this, which is apparently some kind of controversy. I think if a god wants to say something, then it should try to be a little bit more clear.
