Reply To: To be or not to be… out.

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Tara,

How did I change? A LOT of therapy!!! LOL!!!!

BUT the good news is that there’s a small chance I might be able to summarize the last 3 years of my life in a few paragraphs to give you the essence of what that journey has looked like for me. Maybe you can learn from it and your own self-actualization timeframe will be dramatically shortened by my words. That would be a tremendous gift…..

First: You are probably unaware of what being a female in the United States has done to you. First, to recognize that the WAY that you think about the world and about yourself has been shaped by a culture that sends messages of learned helplessness, submission, and unworthiness to girls and women. The messages are incredibly subtle and you will probably not pick up on them until you are on the other side of empowerment and come to start thinking of yourself as a strong capable woman. Then you’ll gasp in anger and exasperation that something so toxic and deadly is allowed to infiltrate our minds, and the minds of men who come to have unrealistic expectations of us. It is called oppression, and it is alive and well, even in the 21st Century. It doesn’t have to be. Oppression ends when you free yourself from the ridiculous notion that you are not smart, strong and capable.

Second: You must understand the fact that you’ve been victim to these subtle and unnecessary hurdles to be a confident individual. In other words it is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! You don’t know something unless you are taught. If you are not taught by examples and role models it’s incredibly difficult to know any better. We lack strong female role models. We lack feeling empowered from the MEN in our lives. We lack guidance and emotional support. So how the hell COULD we know any different? Not just us, but women around the world. Very few women become empowered by themselves. There is almost always someone behind it. Whether it be their parents, friends, or even just one individual who cares and lends a few words of encouragement…The point is, DO NOT beat yourself up for having learned to think this way. It is an inevitable outcome from never being told otherwise.

Third: I’m assuming you grew up around religion. Religious teachings only add salt to the wound and throw fuel to the fire. If you already think pretty mediocre about yourself, going to church and being taught that you are a sinner that needs a savior, no WONDER women are so messed up!!! So again…don’t BLAME yourself and just recognize it for what it is: A patriarchal society that teaches women to value themselves lower than they deserve, and teaches men to think they are over women in authority. It is another toxic attitude that you are probably not aware of unless you have done research and seen that it DOES NOT have to be that way!!!

Fourth: Once you realize that you are a product of your environment, you can start to think about what it means to actually be an empowered woman. To be an empowered woman means the following…(to me)….This is the way we SHOULD be taught to think since we were little girls playing princess….

You have the right to express ALL of your feelings, both positive and negative.

You have the right to ask for what you want.

You have the right to determine your own priorities.

You have the right to NOT be responsible for other people’s behaviors, actions, feelings or problems.

You have the right to say “NO” to others without feeling guilty.

You have the right to take your time, slow down, and think.

You have the right to be uniquely YOURSELF and your OWN person.

You have the right to say, “I don’t know.” (I love that one.)

You have the right to make decisions based on your feelings.

You have the right to be in NON-abusive relationship.

You have the right to make mistakes.

You have the right to be safe.

You have the right to put yourself first.

You have the right to dignity and respect.

You have the right to love and to be loved.

You have the right to be human, not perfect.

You have the right to your own personal space and time.

You have the right to privacy.

You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly.

You have the right to earn and control your own money.

You have the right to grow and change, including changing your mind. (I love that one too..)

You have the right to decide if and when you choose to forgive your mistakes or anyone else’s mistakes.

You have the right to be happy.

This list comes from the assertive bill of rights…a document that is different depending on who you talk to, but here was the source for this list:

http://yrpcs.ca/assertiveness-and-your-personal-bill-of-rights/

I learned about the Assertive Bill of Rights when I was in a support group for women recovering from domestic violence. I took to heart each one of these and I remind myself of them on a regular basis. I would recommend to print one and put it somewhere you can see and read on a regular basis…

See if you can find a good local therapist.

Write in a journal…

Cling to friends in your life that are healthy and supportive of you. Get rid of friends who cause you pain. You don’t need them.

Start writing daily affirmations about yourself. Women do this differently. For Christmas this last year me and my son didn’t get a tree. Instead we drew a tree on a big poster board and every day we could cut an ornament out of as sticky note and each write something we are thankful for. It became a gratitude tree. It was a reminder of the good things in our life.

Little things like that actually re-wire your brain to think differently. It’s a way to actually heal you brain! Whether you’ve been through trauma or not, I think all women need to practice feeling strong, healthy, happy and confident. It doesn’t mean you’ll wake up tomorrow and feel like you’re on top of a mountain. It doesn’t mean that you’ll never be scared, or depressed, or worried. It doesn’t mean your problems disappear. It DOES mean that you can always take control of your feelings and remember that you are a magnificent, capable, beautiful woman worthy of all of these things above that I mentioned….

And if you find yourself in a position where you’re not being respected in a way that you deserve, you can choose in that moment what to do about it. Whether it’s to confront a person, remove yourself from the situation.

If these girls at work think differently than you, so what? You are not supposed to be BFF’s but co-workers. Learn to communicate with them professionally and make small talk. Water-cooler conversations are VERY important. But you don’t have to talk about your atheism. (you have the right to privacy.) But if you choose to tell them, you have the right to not be disrespected for it.

Ultimately YOU are in control here. Once you realize that you are, you don’t have to worry about being hurt. You are no longer worried about what other girls “think” about you. If they think any less of you for being yourself they are NOT worth your time. You can smile and be cordial at work….and go home and live your life and not care about them outside the office. If they choose not to be friends with you outside of work, that’s OK!!!! You can find your “tribe”…your “peeps”….your “BFF’s”…elsewhere. That is the very essence of a great work/life balance.

Don’t be intimidated by them. They are just people.

And just remember they have the same rights you do….you are equals. No one is higher than the other………..