Reply To: Raising Awareness About Domestic Violence
Yah let’s wait on the jury…I’m really curious to see his testimony on how pushing her resulted in a black eye. I’ve been pushed before and it’s resulted in other injuries, but never, EVER a black eye. Even if he did push her, it’s still physical abuse. Even if he just blocked her from leaving a room if she’s trying to get away from his verbal attacks, that’s physical abuse. It doesn’t ultimately matter. It’s wrong. Period.
You know what I’ve learned from these last 2 and a half years away from my situation…I look back on everything and I will be the first to admit that we both were at fault. I’m sure you’d agree that when your wife hit you, you were probably being an asshole. It doesn’t excuse her behavior AT ALL…because her hitting you is physical violence, even though she is a woman. What you have to look at is the overall dynamic of communication and understanding between the two of you.
I slapped my ex-husband once. So hard his ear was ringing for weeks. He could have called the police and had me arrested, but he didn’t. He never reported it. He just bitched and moaned about it for a long time. The reason I slapped him is that he was being abusive to our son. So I put my son in his car seat, closed the door, stepped away from the car where he couldn’t see us, and I let him have it. At this point we were already divorced. I look at that situation and I can honestly say that I deeply regret it. I became the very type of person I had tried to get away from. When we were married I was scared of him. I wouldn’t dare ever talk back to him. So in a way it was a victory to be able to stand up for myself, but I did it in a very wrong and very violent way.
So I don’t deny that there is usually fault on both sides. What I’ve learned in all of this time trying to heal is that domestic violence relationships are created when there is an unhealthy dynamic between BOTH people. Both people play a role in creating it and both people must be willing to work to change it. It doesn’t take the blame away from where its’s due. If a person hits, threats, intimidates, or emotionally/mentally attacks another person, regardless of gender, it is violence. The flip side of that is that in a marriage situation, if the woman stays and allows it to happen, and doesn’t stand up for herself, then there is no chance to heal.
If a relationship starts out as unhealthy to begin with it, it continues down a pattern of unhealthiness unless some catalyst happens to change that dynamic. If a woman never raises her voice in opposition when her husband calls her names, he will continue to do so. I’ll never forget when I first got married my husband started calling me names. It had NOT happened before we were married. But as soon as we walked down the aisle things changed. It hurt my feelings. I started to cry and told him I didn’t like it. He stopped. But other bad behavior started. I had known him for 4 years before we got married, so it’s not like we went into it like dumb teenagers. My point is that when we first met, unhealthiness started, and it continued…we are both responsible for letting that happen because I allowed it to happen too. I was not educated nor empowered as to what it means to have self-respect. That is based on the family I grew up in, and the city I grew up in. I was taught some very fucked up things at a young age, so I didn’t know better. When you know better you do better.
It’s never easy to separate from a marriage. There are places in this world that make it harder than others. If we were talking about women in the Middle East, the conversation is totally different compared to the United States for example. But my point still stands that it takes two people to make any relationship healthy or unhealthy. Empowering a woman to leave a bad relationship where she is being hurt is a great start, but it’s incomplete. It fails to look at the reason she ended up in that situation to begin with.
In my own situation, I can honestly say that my communication with my ex-husband has improved so much so that now when I call he sounds happy to hear from me, he has not been disrespectful to me in a while, and his treatment of our son continues to get better. I believe that this was because when I left him, I chose to stay engaged in communication with him. We do not have the courts all up in our business. I do the talking to him. It was very difficult for a long time, and we have had several instances where I was still living what seemed like an abusive situation when we were divorced. But now I’ve learned to communicate well with him. He has too. When something happens were we disagree, he tells me, “I don’t want to say anything rude to you. Let me think about it and we’ll discuss it later.” My response is, “Ok.” End of story. We take our space and reconvene about our son, and it works well because that time allows us both space to think on it. We haven’t had a major disagreement in months.
He is not involved with our son much. But he is still involved and that is what matters. When he starts to feel pain or sick, he doesn’t take care of him, because those are the times when his patience and temper are at their worst. He has a lot of time to himself that allows him to be able to give his attention to our son the 2-3 times a month that he sees him. So…quality vs quantity is key for us. He is still abusive to our son and he will never be perfect. But the good comes with the bad, and he is who he is. What’s important is that our son still gets a dad who says, “I love you” to him, and they do have special time together.
All this to say that there is hope for people who are separating from violent relationships. It takes a lot of humility to be able to admit your OWN part of the situation and be able to tell yourself, “even though I messed up with _______-, I am forgivable and I will forgive myself.” Likewise to be able to say, “I am angry at ______for hurting me in this way, and I will never forget it, but I will no longer allow it to hurt my present actions and decisions.” It’s a powerful thing to be able to say that YES…I am a Survivor of domestic violence. But my ex-husband is NOT a monster. He is NOT a bad person. He DOES have a LOT of AMAZING qualities. He is a GOOD person. He LOVES his son….but his behavior will only ever get as good as he wants for himself. That’s HIS choice. His choice to be that way means that I will not be with him because my standards are higher. My boundaries are firmer. I will not tolerate even the slightest bit of disrespect. Not from him or from anyone. That is the way it should be. That is the way it should have always been.
So we do in many ways have the best of both worlds. I am co-parenting with a man who is doing his best and I give him full credit for that. I respect his need for space and the fact that he is incapable of being the husband and father that I wanted him to be, but I accept him for the father that his has become, and am teaching my son to stand up for himself when dad acts a certain way. I am continuing to encourage the relationship between the two of them by choosing to live close by, and allow him the opportunity to be the dad he best knows how to be. I continue to be his sponsor here in the United States since that is what immigration requires of me, and I will continue to make sure that if he runs into tough times I will help him the best I can without giving into the boundaries that I’ve set for myself.
It’s sad to say that we will never get back together. Although we’ve become the healthiest we’ve ever been, we are not meant to be together. It would resurface all of the problems that led us to separate in the first place. People only change so much, and even if it’s a lot, sometimes a relationship gone bad is best left where you can manage it the best. What’s important is that our son sees us communicate in a healthy way. Healthier now than probably a lot of families. Although he doesn’t see us together a lot, he does see us together happy and civil and respectful to each other, and united in what we want for him.
What more could we ask for?
Financially it is difficult on me. It is difficult for any woman trying to be a single mother. I don’t have family/friend support the way Emma Murphy does. If I did my life would be a lot easier. I have a mentally ill mother, and all of my family and friends are in Albuquerque. The only family in this region is apathetic to my situation. I didn’t have family and friends to run to when I left him. So I ran to an ex-boyfriend who ended up being a rapist and an asshole. A lot had changed since our college days….so I made the mistake of looking for comfort in a man – the biggest mistake a girl could ever make. Even the men in this world who are the best of the best, are not going to save you from yourself. For a domestic violence perpetrator OR survivor to get better, it requires a good hard look in the mirror. I fell into the trap of thinking that I needed a man and that a man was going to rescue me. I had to rescue me. And even now as I am totally and utterly alone, I have to find it within myself to be OK. I have to create my own community of friends, but not rely on them to take care of me. I take care of me. That’s the only way it has to be.
Our culture needs to re-evaluate how to think and talk about domestic violence. Like I said I could write a book about this. If you skipped my lengthy response and skimmed to the bottom, the take away is this: Domestic violence needs to be a conversation we start to have as a world. Not just a nation – a world. And the focus needs to be about discussing WHY it happens, and HOW people can overcome it. I’m proud to be a living example of how a person can get out, and end up in an amicable relationship for the child’s sake. I got out the first time, and I never looked back. As tempting as it is to try to patch things up with my ex for financial stability, I refuse to do it. If I go back, it will happen again. If I stay like we are now, our son will have the best father he possibly can. The best mother too. I hope.
Here is a recent interview with Emma that is well worth watching:
