Stockholm Syndrome Culture….

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  PopeBeanie 4 years, 8 months ago.

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    I wandered onto a BDSM forum to start learning about the different fetishes there are out there and to understand the mentality of a “dominatrix” since that is very important to become a good phone sex operator. I immediately felt very similar to the way I felt when I joined Think Atheist almost 3 years ago..VERY outside of my comfort zone.

    I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I was either being led into a cult, or simply something that I really didn’t understand. In any case…being the person that I am…I started to look a little further and try to understand a bit better. I cautiously proceeded.

    I decided to play the game for about a week. So I put myself slightly out there, fully expecting that I would fall “prey” to predators expecting to be able to take advantage of my ignorance. I’ve been there so many times I can see them coming now, and I’m no longer afraid of them. So I played the part for a while. I had a phone conversation with a few men to pick their brains and get inside their head. It was very helpful. And just as easily as I led them in, I whisked them away. It was weird that for the first time I actually controlled what was happening. Not them.

    One of the things that struck me very profoundly was their insistence that being in the “submissive” role is NOT akin to being in the submissive role the way the church would teach it. And yet MANY people on this site had the quote as follows on their profile:

    To be completely woman you need a master, and in him a compass for your life. You need a man you can look up to and respect. If you dethrone him its no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long.

    ~Marlene Dietrich~

    One of the men I was talking to offered to be a “teacher” or a “mentor.” I had an uneasy feeling and couldn’t quite place it. I eventually realized that he reminded me of my best friend’s stepdad, who abused us when we were 13. So I only spoke with him once. He told me that the “sub” actually has all the power….and yet as a sub you cannot say no to your master. Now what does that sound like to you? It sounds like a form of slavery to me.

    One of the other men I spoke with briefly got extremely irate and started yelling at me when I told him that I thought the dynamic of the Dominant/submissive relationship is just like the idiotic nonsense preached in the church that a woman is below a man, and that humans are below god, and that comes from a totalitarian mindset. He was pissed when I said that. I’m not sure if I’m missing something here, or if we really are living in a Stockholm syndrome culture.

    I asked further about the idea of equality and equity in a relationship. This seemed to be a foreign concept. I have to admit, in my own relationships I’ve never been an equal. I’ve always been the submissive. I’ve never done anything BDSM, but I grew up with the mentality of a submissive. I was with a man for about a year and a half who subscribed to the muslim worldview, and treated me like a slave/servant. Wandering into the BDSM world feels exactly the same, with a fisad of supposed “consent.” But ultimately, it still seems like a very dangerous world. Suffice it to say, I deleted my account and basically decided that I had seen enough. BDSM is not for me. It is too much like all the bullshit nonsense and abuse I spent the last 3 years trying to get away from. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a duck. Anything that takes a long time to understand and isn’t simple and very straightforward isn’t really healthy. If I have to be “trained” like a fucking animal, It’s more like brainwashed. Not going there.

    Now….let me see if I can re-word this properly:

    To be completely woman you need a master, to become your own master, and in him her be a compass for your (own) life. You need a man a goal you can look up to and respect strive towards and achieve. If you dethrone him stop striving towards your own magnificence its no wonder that you are discontented, and discontented women are not loved for long not strong.

    ~Belle Rose~

    • This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  ..


    Hi Belle,
    So many things to say. First is that BDSM is not for everyone all the time. It can involve some fairly psychological play and if anyone involved isn’t ready for that, it’s probably not going to go well.

    I wandered onto a BDSM forum

    Was it Fetlife? I’d recommend Fetlife… it’s huge and diverse and people are generally friendly.

    Anyway, on to other comments. A common meme is that the sub has all the power. This is inaccurate. Both parties should ALWAYS be consenting adults. Typically, the sub’s limits are the limiting factor but there’s no reason the dom couldn’t also have limits.

    One of the men offered to be your mentor. Usually this means they want to help you figure out what you want and help you find it. Usually this means not engaging in BDSM play with you.

    Wandering into the BDSM world feels exactly the same, with a fisad of supposed “consent.”

    If that consent is a facade to you then yes, BDSM would be very uncomfortable. Most people take their consent very seriously.

    BDSM is not for me. It is too much like all the bullshit nonsense and abuse I spent the last 3 years trying to get away from.

    Did you speak to any women? You said at the start that you wanted to understand the dominatrix thing… you really need to talk to at least one. I’d add onto that, you need to talk to at least one each of a submissive woman and a submissive man.

    And now onto some more general comments: I feel like you are stuck in the “women are submissive” crap that your religious upbringing instilled into you. This is true in general, but is demonstrably false if you talk to individuals. Have you considered putting yourself in charge? There are people (men/women/anything in between) in the BDSM scene who you could flog mercilessly and they would turn around and worship the ground you walk on (as an example. Substitute with whatever you are into). Likewise from the submissive point of view, whatever it is you are into there is almost always someone else into it too. I think I might of recommended it to you before but look up Ending the Sexual Dark Age. It’s a podcast by a couple in the BDSM scene aimed at clearing up the misconceptions around BDSM and sex in general. It’s well worth the listen if you are trying to understand BDSM.

    I don’t think I’ve really covered why people who do this sort of thing do it. As I said earlier it’s inherently psychological and so naturally, there’s an almost infinite number of possibilities of examples I could use to explain it, none of which will make any sense except the few that resonate with you. I won’t go into it here and now as it’s personal and my post is probably long enough already. PM me if you want to chat about it though.

    Anyway my point is this: BDSM may not be for you at the moment, and that’s ok. I’d still suggest you get it figured out so that you can provide your clients the service they are looking for.



    I’ve watched a little bdsm to try to understand what it’s about, and to be honest, I still feel naive and clueless about it. I have nothing against consenting adults doing their thing, and I don’t want to judge bdsm. It baffles me that it’s as common as it is, and I’m kind of jealous that you get to peek into those minds! (Hmmm, I wonder if there’s a bdsm gene or two, maybe like Genghis Khan genes? There, see, I went and jumped to a conclusion without evidence already.)



    @popebeanie it’s definitely not as glamorous as you think. The job is emotionally very difficult. I’m not sure how long I’m going to make it. I want to make it because it’s a fantastic way to earn money. But it’s like a car. My car has a lot of miles on it. I’ve been used and abused for a long time. Ultimately when I’m on the phone I’m just a sounding board for good jerk off material. I have to be OK with that. I am intellectually, but it cuts into me a little bit at a time. I’m trying to establish good boundaries psychologically so that it doesn’t hurt me. I’m not quite there yet.

    @matt you make some good points. I talked to one man who is “old guard.” do you know about that at all? Anyway, it really seemed cultish. I’m still open to learning more. Maybe you can help me…I understand a teacher/mentor is supposed to be hands off….My experience was these men were trying to use their position as a teacher to get into my mind and get me to a vulnerable place. I’m not going to deal with that shit. lol….

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by  ..


    @the moderators…I done several @__________’s now and not all of them are working…fyi. May need to check into that….



    On Matt’s post, roll your cursor over the name Matt to see the full @ address. It appears in the lower left corner of my browser, but if it doesn’t for you, then you have to click on the name to see it.

    (See the full tip written here.)

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