Fog

This topic contains 9 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Strega 4 years, 1 month ago.

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  • #5913

    .
    Spectator

    For the first time in a very long time I feel as though I’m slowly coming out of a very thick fog.  I’m starting to think a bit clear again.  Last night my son was hospitalized for mental illness.  He will be there a minimum of three days but honestly I think he may be there much longer.  We have been in crisis ever since I left his father and the roller coaster just hasn’t stopped.

    Finally finally finally we are getting the help that we really have needed this whole time.  It is truly sad that it had to get this bad before we could get that. I have been fighting for us to get help and in all the programs that we could muster up. But the truth is that we need at the highest level of intervention.

    I am now recovering from all of this and actually have a moment to think for myself and think about myself. And I suddenly realize that my stress level is starting to go down.  My stress level has been very high to a very dangerous level.  I realized that last night after I came home… Actually it was more like this morning but anyway, I slept like a baby.  I don’t think I have gotten sleep like that in over a decade.  When you have a child as a mom your sleep changes and mine certainly did.  But the fact that my son was not in the house, and I did not have to worry about him because I knew he was in the safest place in the world with trained professionals who know how to deal with him, I was able to let my guard down and really truly relax.  I forgot what it felt like to feel relaxed.

    It pisses me the fuck off that so many people tell me to pray for me and to just give it to God and that this is a spiritual battle. No it’s not. It’s mental illness and it’s not going to go away. This is something I’m dealing with and the reality is that I may need to put my son in foster care. They may release him before I’m ready to have him back in my home. So I do not know what to do, but I’m worried that his dad will intervene and try to take him if I want to put him in foster care.  Foster care is it just for those kids who were abused. It can be in situations like this where I have some medical needs that need to be addressed  and I cannot take care of him and myself right now and I have no family or friends who can’t either. I’m his father is abusive. I really want to put him in foster care and with medical foster care it’s not quite the same it’s a lot easier to get him back in my home.  I have a huge stay over where he goes, and I could make sure he’s with a family who has a big strong dad to look out for him, toss the ball with him, and help him feel a different level of safety than he’s  ever felt with a man. I really want to do it because I need to take care of myself and I need to get an abortion.  I’m pregnant and I’m afraid he’s going to hurt me again and I just need to get rid of the baby so that I can go back to being his mom.

    I’m just really mad that so many people think this kind of bullshit is  something that can be prayed away.

    I talked to one of my aunts in my biological family about this and she is Catholic. I was talking to her because I was hoping she could give me more family history on mental illness in the family.  This would be crucial for doctors to know.  Instead she told me to  contact intercessors of the lamb. Whatever the fuck that means.

    #5917

    Simon Paynton
    Participant

    That sounds like good news, @bellerose.  It seems like those religious people think that stuff happens by magic.  It’s like, what is God going to do?

    #5919

    Simon Paynton
    Participant

    I could make sure he’s with a family who has a big strong dad to look out for him, toss the ball with him, and help him feel a different level of safety than he’s ever felt with a man.

    – it sounds like this could be a good part of the overall therapy for your son.

    #5936

    Strega
    Moderator

    Good luck,  Belle. Stress sucks and the relief must be exceptional.  If you have a few days before you need to make a decision, then maybe you can put off making decisions until you’re more rested.

    #5971

    _Robert_
    Participant

    Trying to help and care for someone with serious mental illness is probably the most difficult and trying thing a person can do. That’s all I can manage to say even now.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  _Robert_.
    #5973

    .
    Spectator

    It’s kind of interesting. I was at the unit tonight with my son for bedtime, and he got triggered… And assaulted several staff members,  through soap and his mattresses out of his room and all his linens… but before he did all of this he basically told me to step aside because he didn’t want me to get hurt. What is bone chilling about that is that it is calculated.

    #5974

    Simon Paynton
    Participant

    You could say he showed presence of mind and self-control – in your favour.

    #5975

    Strega
    Moderator

    @bellerose Did the staff say anything to you about the’event’?  It’s really good they’re seeing this for themselves and don’t have to rely on you reporting what you see. As far as the ‘step aside’ goes, that may be a part of his disorder, in which he is invoking a witness (you).

    #5976

    .
    Spectator

    @strega, the thing is the staff’s job is to simply report the behaviors and document. It is the clinician and psychiatrist’s job to analyze and interpret the data for diagnosis and treatment plan. We already (finally after how many years of trying to get help!) know what the game plan is for the most part. The  medication they are prescribing he needs to take. The very first thing is his ADHD desperately needs treatment.  The cocktail of medicines that they are giving him is the exact same thing that my biological mother takes, and the Concerta for ADHD is something that my biological sister has been telling me for a while to give him because that is what her sons take and they desperately need it.  In the event that his rage cannot get under control with this medication, he will end up needing an antipsychotic at some point… But we really want to delay this at all costs because it has a very nasty side effects.  It is possible because of his age that if it is trauma related it can be treated with counseling to a certain extent and trauma therapy. But honestly the way that it manifests itself points to more biological roots. I do think that the rage portion of it comes from his father because it does not follow anything on my biological family’s side.  His fathers rages the exact same way. Very explosive.  So not only has it been modeled for him it is also biological.  The reality for me is that I will not be able to safely manage him much longer. And I personally think that if I send him to a long-term treatment center now while he is eight, he will have the best chance at a full recovery. If I wait till he’s a teenager at that point the other kids in the facility will already have started dealing with drug abuse and addiction, and that is something I desperately want to keep him away from if at all possible.  It is a slippery slope, because if I send him to a facility now while he is eight there’s also the chance that he may become institutionalized and then simply not able to function in society anymore. But if that’s going to be the case anyway I would rather be in a mental health facility in jail. And once he’s 12 years old he can catch a case and go to juvenile detention for the kind of crap that he’s doing right now.  I am going to have to go back to court because of what my ex-husband is doing now and I need to make sure that I get soul decision making on medical and educational decisions because his dad is not only not participating, but giving me a hard time and blaming me for what’s going on in saying that it’s all my fault. Right now the most stressful thing that’s happening when I should be resting and getting the rest of it that I need for myself from having to deal with him all these years… Now   I’m having to worry about his dad again… And he is now just being a complete asshole. He goes to the hospital visits and just pouts the whole time and has this look on his face rolling his eyes and just being an asshole .  Not contributing or what so ever.  I think it’s actually prolonging his ability to heal, however there’s nothing I can do about it because I have no court order saying that he can’t visit him. He is his father and has parental rights so…

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  ..
    #5978

    Strega
    Moderator

    I’m guessing the staff there will have an opinion on the fathers attitude to the whole matter and that will also get conveyed.

    Sadly, so many people see a problem and then spend their time looking for someone to blame rather than looking for a solution. His father sounds like he’s doing that because he has no idea what a solution might look like.

    If you refer back to Diane’s post a short while back, she also had to ‘institutionalize’ her son and it appears to have paid off very successfully- I realize each case is different and you may not be able to guarantee success, but this is what those institutions deal with day in and day out.

    Your ex is full of anger as you said, and he is lashing out at you as he doesn’t know what else to do.  You need to take care of your own mental state, and if ex is not respecting that need, you need to not take his calls at all, nor play back any of his messages.  He doesn’t appear to have anything to add to your hopes of success, so maybe set a once a week call time with him, brace yourself to cope with that, and just don’t take any other calls.

    Once you’re all able to move past blame and guilt, and look ahead to addressing the matter, I hope it goes more smoothly for you.

    Best of luck, Belle 🙂

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