Enabling

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  . 1 year ago.

Viewing 13 posts - 16 through 28 (of 28 total)
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  • #6157

    Strega
    Moderator

    Belle without the intimate details of your situation it’s hard for me, an outsider, to be specific.  I can give you an idea, maybe.  Perhaps there are certain red lines that you don’t allow her to cross, such as theft, violence or unwanted guests of hers.  These get written down and signed by both of you, along with what the consequences would be, eg eviction, police, etc.  Perhaps that way, you force both of you to face what failure would look like, and pre- agree what will not be tolerated and what will be the consequence.

    #6159

    .
    Participant

    That sounds really good to a “typical” person but she is not typical like that. And talking about her having police and being evicted would be a major trigger for her right now given the fact that she has gone through so many people throwing her out of their house or stealing from her when she didn’t do what THEY wanted (like if you don’t give me some of your pills you are out on the streets) sort of thing…

    Ive told her the things that need to happen. She also knows she needs to get her own place because if not it could jeopardize me adopting her youngest daughter and she will do anything for that process to not fall through….

    She has layers upon layers of trauma most people could not even fathom….

    But I do understand what you mean. I guess I just don’t know how to be that kind of person.

    #6160

    Strega
    Moderator

    I don’t know how grounded your sister is, but do you think it’s something you could discuss with her?  Perhaps she has an idea of how to set boundaries.  Belle, everyone here wants you to succeed.  Everyone here is offering concern, and that is shaping up almost like arguments against you doing what you’re doing.  The concern is real, but instead of being defensive, which you could be, it might be better for you to try to find some way of protecting yourself from calamity.  You clearly have experience in the social system of your state, which is a big bonus.  However, you’ve absolutely got to decide what you’d do if she stole from/assaulted/endangered you and your son.

    #6161

    .
    Participant

    @strega

    RE: However, you’ve absolutely got to decide what you’d do if she stole from/assaulted/endangered you and your son.

    I wouldn’t let that happen…You’re scaring me lol

     

     

    #6165

    Strega
    Moderator

    Belle I’m not trying to scare you.  I completely understand your hopes and expectations for positive results.  Have you decided how you ‘would not let that happen’?  It’s not that I need to know, it’s that you need to know.  Disaster recovery plans are set up before any signs of a disaster.  You lock your front door at night, even though you’re not expecting anyone to try to come in.  You put your seat belt on when you get in a car, not because you’re expecting to head butt the windscreen.  Please think about this – you totally don’t have to tell me or anyone else here what your personal safety plans are, but it would be good to know that you had some 🙂

    #6167

    Noel
    Participant

    Belle: please listen to Strega. She’s asking you to draw up a plan in case this goes south. There is always that possibility when dealing with addicts and alcoholics. Hell, I’ve been clean and sober for 27 years but don’t think for one minute I don’t daydream about going out and having that “One” shot of Johnny Walker Black . This sobriety thing is a “selfish program”. Cause if I ain’t right no one else will be. Have to look out for numero uno. Then we can do the whole Pinky and the Brain thing and go about the business of conquering the world and saving as many people as we can. I love twelve stepping people but I never lose sight of the fact that if I don’t have a plan they can take me right down with them.

    Which brings me to what we have to lose. Back on April 10th, 1990 I didn’t have as much to lose as I do now. Back then someone told me that I didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw out of. Today we have a shit ton to lose. Help your sister out but go in with a plan for just in case….. Good luck to the two of you. Hoping for the best outcome for you both.

    #6173

    .
    Participant

    @Noel but what kind of plan could I possibly come up with? I can’t control her. That’s something I’ve learned after years of therapy. I can’t control situations or people. All I can control is myself. So trying to “plan” for her to fuck me over is sort hard. I don’t know how to do that.

    But you know the saying you can’t con a conartist? Well….

    #6177

    Strega
    Moderator

    Belle, perhaps it’s just a thought process.  Imagine that everything goes wrong, and imagine what you would do about it.  You have the ability to imagine, now, with no serious emotion or confusion.  If a bad thing happens, you’d be so choked with emotion it would be really hard to think clearly, so it’s much easier to do the imagining when there’s no actual crisis.

    #6178

    .
    Participant

    I guess I just figure I’ve had more training than most people on how to deal with this stuff. I’ve lived every day of my life with a crisis plan constantly in my head for both my self and my son…As we speak my son and I are back in the ER and he is likely to be re-admitted….He assaulted me and my sister today and threatened suicide….Hitting me in the face while I was driving etc….

    Trying to “plan” is sort of a joke. She. You have to react it is pure instinct. It happens and you have to assess in that moment how to survive. I know the mental health services here like nobody’s business. Truth is nothing scares me anymore. There’s nothing anyone could do to me that hasn’t already been done. My medications are locked up. Sharps are locked up. Memorabilia nowhere to be found….there’s nothing in her reach I would care about…when you got nothing you got nothing to lose.

    My sister has been a huge help since she’s been here. I need her just as much as she needs me. Honestly.

    #6312

    .
    Participant

    I was wrong

    #6313

    Strega
    Moderator

    I hope you’re safe

    #6314

    Simon Paynton
    Participant

    I think you were right to try.

    #6430

    .
    Participant

    I’m safe…for now…but I’m going to have to move.

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