December 16, 2018 at 3:13 am #24903
How about some funny as Hell (because Hell is a laff and a haff) jokes that don’t offend any reasonable person? I’ll start:
A woman is sitting in a train compartment with her baby when a man checks his ticket, enters the compartment and sits opposite her. After a while, she says, “Sir, you are staring at my baby. Why are you staring at my child?” The man straightened his tie and raised his eyebrows as he said, “Lady, that is the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen. Quite possibly, the most ugly baby on Earth!”
Just then, the conductor passed their compartment and she shouted out for him to return.
“What is it?” he asked.
“This man. This scum of the Earth has insulted me. I can’t bear to see him another moment.”
Without a moment’s hesitation, the conductor said, “Sir, why don’t I resituate you in a nice empty compartment in the next car? And for you kind madam, why don’t I go to the dining car and get a banana for your monkey?”
December 16, 2018 at 7:19 pm #24909
- This topic was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Unseen.
Woman and her small son in a taxi, headed out somewhere. The taxi takes a route via the red light district with several working girls available
Little Boy :- Mommy, Mommy, who are those women under those red lights?
Mom :- Oh they’re just ladies, dear
Taxi Driver (turning over his shoulder) :- Go on, tell him the truth! They’re whores, that’s what they are, son, whores!
Mom (shoots glare daggers at the driver)
Little Boy (after a few minutes):- Mommy? Do whores have babies, like other women do?
Mom (still giving death looks to the back of the taxi drives head) :- Well of course, darling! Where do you think taxi drivers come from?December 21, 2018 at 4:12 am #24927
Woman in restaurant: “Waiter! I found a hair in my hamburger. I demand to inspect your kitchen.”
Waiter: “OK. Follow me.”
As they pass through the swinging kitchen door, she says “Where do you make your burgers?” The waiter indicated that she should follow him into the back of the kitchen. They enter a room where she sees a sweaty, shirtless hairy man forming hamburger patties by putting a ball of ground beef into his armpit and squeezing his arm against his body.
Woman: “That’s got to be the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!”
Waiter (chuckling): Oh yeah? You should see how he puts the holes in our donuts!
December 21, 2018 at 4:10 pm #24930
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Unseen.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.December 21, 2018 at 4:11 pm #24931
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one’s penis and notices there’s a Nicabate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says….’I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.’
The other one replies….’It’s working just fine… I’m down to two butts a day.’December 21, 2018 at 8:50 pm #24932
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
by Emo Philips.December 21, 2018 at 8:52 pm #24933
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: “Have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The cop replies: “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says: “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”December 21, 2018 at 8:57 pm #24934
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”December 22, 2018 at 5:22 pm #24938
Back when I was in college, I got my hands on a joint. I was about to light it up when my straightlaced roomie came in the back door. At that instant, the cuckoo clock went off and while the little door was open, I stuffed the joint into the clock.
My roomie had simply forgotten a book and was soon gone.
Try as I might, I couldn’t get into the clock without breaking it, so I decided to wait for the next hour’s chime.
The time came but the cuckoo came out lazily and just said, “Hey man, what TIME is it?”December 22, 2018 at 6:10 pm #24939
That’s a good one Unseen 🙂 Maybe you could have answered “The time is always now so you are redundant“.December 23, 2018 at 5:01 am #24940
Two buddyies love each other but are very competitive at the same time. They argue about who’s better at this, who’s better at that. One night it goes on till closing and the two walk home together. The repartee devolves into which one has the longest virile member. It is a dark moonless night. It is pitch black and they can just barely see where they are going. As they go over a small footbridge over a creek, one stops saying that he has to pee. The other says that he could use a pee break as well. The bridge has no railing so both men are standing on one edge. One of the men sensing a chance to one-up his friend says “This water is cold.” His friend replies, “Yeah, and deep, too.”December 23, 2018 at 6:53 am #24941
The best thing about dating a homeless girl is no matter where you drop her off she is home.December 23, 2018 at 4:41 pm #24948
A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice “13…….13…….13………13”
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye.
The moaning voice then groaned ’14………14………14…….14.’December 23, 2018 at 5:17 pm #24950
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