The Atheist’s Dictionary

[Reg the Fronkey FarmerModerator]

Faith (n.)

Belief without evidence, often mistaken for a virtue when applied to invisible entities, but frowned upon when applied to weather forecasts or cryptocurrency.

Clergyman (n.)

A professional interpreter of the unreadable, delivering weekly recitations of ancient mythinformation with modern enthusiasm and selective memory.

Often employed as a mediator between humans and the sky, though the sky rarely replies.

Usage:
“The clergyman assured us the sermon came from divine inspiration, though the Wi-Fi password remained a mystery.”

— Synonyms: Faith broker, sin accountant, moral custodian
— Antonyms: Tax assessor, evolutionary biologist

Collar, Roman (n.)

A circular white restraint worn by clergymen to signal that they are in a committed relationship—with metaphor.

Bishop (n.)

A senior clergyman skilled in the sacred art of diagonally advancing through moral ambiguity.
Wears a hat shaped like a split opinion and speaks exclusively in parables, budget requests, and denials.

Original Sin (n.)

The theological concept that you are guilty before birth, owing a moral debt for something your distant ancestors did while naked and poorly supervised.
Used primarily to sell forgiveness at a premium.

See also: Inherited blame, pre-existing damnation, God’s overreaction to fruit theft.

Amen (interj.)

The divine equivalent of “Send Tweet.” Often uttered to signal the end of a prayer, argument, or appetite for further questioning.

Sermon (n.)

A monologue delivered to the devout, designed to be long enough to instill guilt but short enough to beat the dinner rush.

Variants include:

• Fire-and-brimstone edition: Full guilt, extra damnation.
• Modern revision: Mostly about car parks and community bake sales.

 

Miracle (n.)

An event so statistically improbable that it must be attributed to divine intervention, rather than bad record-keeping or coincidence.

Holy Water (n.)

Tap water that has completed a short internship with a clergyman who just boils the hell out of it.

Heaven (n.)

An eternal gated community with a strict dress code, limited diversity, and no scientific journals.

Hell (n.)

A conceptual basement maintained to ensure obedience upstairs.
Well-stocked with pitchforks, metaphors, and those who asked too many questions.

Confession (n.)

A ritual in which one admits wrongdoings to a celibate man in a box, who then tells you how many repetitions of a phrase will reset your moral credit score.

Altar (n.)

A sacred table where bread becomes flesh, wine becomes blood, and logic becomes optional.

Apologist (n.)

One who explains that what you heard is not what was meant, and what was meant is not what was written, and what was written is not what you should focus on — all in defense of the perfect clarity of divine revelation.

Baptism (n.)

A ceremonial sprinkling or submersion intended to wash away sins you haven’t yet had the chance to commit.

Performed on infants too young to consent and adults too confused to resist, it symbolically prepares the soul for a life of guilt-based compliance.

Variants:

• Infant baptism – A child’s first exposure to peer pressure and wet socks.
• Full immersion – A brief drowning followed by cake.

Etymology: From the Greek baptizein, meaning “to dip,” as in “logic in superstition.”

Godparent (n.)

A person assigned by tradition to guide a child’s spiritual journey, typically seen only at Christmas and when posting birthday cards with a tenner inside.

Rapture (n.)

A highly anticipated spiritual evacuation during which the righteous are airlifted to paradise, leaving behind the rest of us to sort out climate change, unpaid parking tickets, and four horsemen.

Often described as “any moment now” since approximately 33 AD.

Believed by:

• Evangelicals
• Apocalypse bloggers
• People who take Left Behind as historical non-fiction

Usage:
“He sold his house and quit his job because the Rapture was coming Tuesday. Now he lives in a tent and teaches YouTube prophecy.”

Left Behind (adj.)

1. Unchosen for divine evacuation.
2. The rest of us, apparently.
3. A literary series in which subtlety is raptured early on.

Second Coming (n.)

The long-awaited sequel to a bestseller. No release date. No confirmed guest list. Hype levels remain high.

Speaking in Tongues (v. phrase)

A dramatic vocal performance in which syllables are assembled at random and delivered with fervor, often during moments of emotional peak, epileptic seizure, or televised fundraising.

Said to be the “language of angels,” though no celestial translator has confirmed this, and God Himself reportedly turns on subtitles.

Usage:
“Moved by the Spirit (and a keyboardist in D minor), she began speaking in tongues — moments later, the offering plate made its third pass.”

 

 

 

 

 

[Reg the Fronkey FarmerModerator]

Tipping my hat to Ambrose Bierce and the Devil’s Dictionary, a book I have enjoyed dipping into for an entuary (which means a long time, no C). With wit sharper than a bishop’s hat on laundry day.

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