The Atheist’s Dictionary

[Reg the Fronkey Farmer]

Faith (n.)

Belief without evidence, often mistaken for a virtue when applied to invisible entities, but frowned upon when applied to weather forecasts or cryptocurrency.

Clergyman (n.)

A professional interpreter of the unreadable, delivering weekly recitations of ancient mythinformation with modern enthusiasm and selective memory.

Often employed as a mediator between humans and the sky, though the sky rarely replies.

Usage:
“The clergyman assured us the sermon came from divine inspiration, though the Wi-Fi password remained a mystery.”

— Synonyms: Faith broker, sin accountant, moral custodian
— Antonyms: Tax assessor, evolutionary biologist

Collar, Roman (n.)

A circular white restraint worn by clergymen to signal that they are in a committed relationship—with metaphor.

Bishop (n.)

A senior clergyman skilled in the sacred art of diagonally advancing through moral ambiguity.
Wears a hat shaped like a split opinion and speaks exclusively in parables, budget requests, and denials.

Original Sin (n.)

The theological concept that you are guilty before birth, owing a moral debt for something your distant ancestors did while naked and poorly supervised.
Used primarily to sell forgiveness at a premium.

See also: Inherited blame, pre-existing damnation, God’s overreaction to fruit theft.

Amen (interj.)

The divine equivalent of “Send Tweet.” Often uttered to signal the end of a prayer, argument, or appetite for further questioning.

Sermon (n.)

A monologue delivered to the devout, designed to be long enough to instill guilt but short enough to beat the dinner rush.

Variants include:

• Fire-and-brimstone edition: Full guilt, extra damnation.
• Modern revision: Mostly about car parks and community bake sales.

 

Miracle (n.)

An event so statistically improbable that it must be attributed to divine intervention, rather than bad record-keeping or coincidence.

Holy Water (n.)

Tap water that has completed a short internship with a clergyman who just boils the hell out of it.

Heaven (n.)

An eternal gated community with a strict dress code, limited diversity, and no scientific journals.

Hell (n.)

A conceptual basement maintained to ensure obedience upstairs.
Well-stocked with pitchforks, metaphors, and those who asked too many questions.

Confession (n.)

A ritual in which one admits wrongdoings to a celibate man in a box, who then tells you how many repetitions of a phrase will reset your moral credit score.

Altar (n.)

A sacred table where bread becomes flesh, wine becomes blood, and logic becomes optional.

Apologist (n.)

One who explains that what you heard is not what was meant, and what was meant is not what was written, and what was written is not what you should focus on — all in defense of the perfect clarity of divine revelation.

Baptism (n.)

A ceremonial sprinkling or submersion intended to wash away sins you haven’t yet had the chance to commit.

Performed on infants too young to consent and adults too confused to resist, it symbolically prepares the soul for a life of guilt-based compliance.

Variants:

• Infant baptism – A child’s first exposure to peer pressure and wet socks.
• Full immersion – A brief drowning followed by cake.

Etymology: From the Greek baptizein, meaning “to dip,” as in “logic in superstition.”

Godparent (n.)

A person assigned by tradition to guide a child’s spiritual journey, typically seen only at Christmas and when posting birthday cards with a tenner inside.

Rapture (n.)

A highly anticipated spiritual evacuation during which the righteous are airlifted to paradise, leaving behind the rest of us to sort out climate change, unpaid parking tickets, and four horsemen.

Often described as “any moment now” since approximately 33 AD.

Believed by:

• Evangelicals
• Apocalypse bloggers
• People who take Left Behind as historical non-fiction

Usage:
“He sold his house and quit his job because the Rapture was coming Tuesday. Now he lives in a tent and teaches YouTube prophecy.”

Left Behind (adj.)

1. Unchosen for divine evacuation.
2. The rest of us, apparently.
3. A literary series in which subtlety is raptured early on.

Second Coming (n.)

The long-awaited sequel to a bestseller. No release date. No confirmed guest list. Hype levels remain high.

Speaking in Tongues (v. phrase)

A dramatic vocal performance in which syllables are assembled at random and delivered with fervor, often during moments of emotional peak, epileptic seizure, or televised fundraising.

Said to be the “language of angels,” though no celestial translator has confirmed this, and God Himself reportedly turns on subtitles.

Usage:
“Moved by the Spirit (and a keyboardist in D minor), she began speaking in tongues — moments later, the offering plate made its third pass.”

 

 

 

 

 

[Reg the Fronkey Farmer]

Tipping my hat to Ambrose Bierce and the Devil’s Dictionary, a book I have enjoyed dipping into for half an entuary (which means a long time, no C). With wit sharper than a bishop’s hat on laundry day.

[_Robert_]

Deez are great!

[Reg the Fronkey Farmer]

Cardinal (n.)

A senior official in the Catholic Church, tasked with ensuring that centuries of patriarchal tradition, ceremonial robes, and incense remain more spiritually significant than actionable moral clarity.

From the Latin “cardo,” meaning hinge — presumably to support doors firmly shut against reform.

Mullah (n.)

A cleric in Islamic tradition who, through unwavering devotion and repeated memorization, is empowered to interpret the will of an omniscient being that strangely never speaks for itself.

Often mistaken for a philosopher due to the length of his sermons.

New Pope (n.)

The freshly selected CEO of an ancient multinational metaphysical corporation, known for its opaque governance, extensive art collection, and occasional doctrinal upgrades disguised as eternal truths.

Elected by a conclave of celibate men who ask the Holy Spirit to choose the one they already wanted.

Vicarious Redemption (n.)

The theological concept that one can be absolved of moral failings not by personal accountability, but by the gruesome execution of an innocent party two millennia ago.

Justice, outsourced.

40 Days in the Desert (n.)

A spiritual detox retreat in antiquity, undertaken without food, water, or Wi-Fi, designed to resist temptation by dramatically increasing the probability of hallucination.

Also known as “Divine Endurance Training” or “Starving Until You Hear Voices.”

Theist (n.)

A person convinced the universe was designed with them in mind, often mistaking coincidence for correspondence and emotion for evidence.

Speaks to the sky and hears answers; speaks to a mirror and calls it doubt.

Prayer (n.)

A telepathic wish list sent to an invisible being, often containing requests that directly contradict physics, probability, or personal effort.

Frequently followed by inaction.

Holy Book (n.)

A revered anthology of ancient moral opinions, violent epics, outdated laws, and occasional poetry — interpreted selectively and never the same way twice.

The only book people claim to live by without having actually read.

Denomination (n.)

A theological splinter group formed when two believers agree on 99 dogmas but would kill each other over the 100th.

Proof that the path to Truth has many conflicting road signs.

Clergy (n.)

Professionals employed to interpret divine silence in exchange for earthly compensation.

Often celibate, sometimes celebrated, occasionally indicted.

Conversion (n.)

A spiritual rebranding, typically involving guilt, fear, and social pressure, leading to a newfound certainty about eternal truths previously ignored.

The soul’s version of a hostile corporate takeover.

Revelation (n.)

A moment when an all-knowing deity privately imparts eternal truth to a chosen individual, who is curiously always alone and never holding a recording device.

God’s preferred communication method: hearsay.

Afterlife (n.)

A speculative rewards program with wildly different terms and conditions, depending on which prophet you ask.

Marketed as a certainty, delivered as a mystery.

Divine Plan (n.)

An inscrutable cosmic itinerary in which all suffering, coincidence, and catastrophe are reinterpreted as meaningful — after they happen.

Retroactive providence: making randomness look intentional since the Bronze Age.

Reverence (n.)

A posture of awe adopted in the presence of the invisible, the unverifiable, or the overly dressed. Often mistaken for virtue when applied without scrutiny.

A socially acceptable way to suspend critical thinking in favor of deference.

Grace (n.)

An unearned divine favor bestowed arbitrarily, often invoked to explain why some suffer while others win lotteries or parking spots.

A theological wildcard — sometimes indistinguishable from luck, other times from selective mercy.

Blessing (n.)

A fortuitous event retroactively credited to supernatural favor, even when it results from human effort, chance, or common sense.

Frequently claimed by winners; rarely attributed to vaccines or clean water.

Sacrament (n.)

A symbolic ritual believed to transmit metaphysical benefits, such as salvation, holiness, or spiritual insurance — typically involving wine, wafers, or water.

Faith’s version of customer loyalty perks.

Idolatry (n.)

The worship of the wrong invisible friend — usually judged by those who insist theirs is the correct one.

A grave offense in monotheism: confusing one fictional character with another.

Blasphemy (n.)

The unsanctioned utterance of doubt, satire, or truth regarding ideas deemed too fragile to withstand them.

A victimless crime against an all-powerful being who, curiously, requires human outrage as defense counsel.

 

[jakelafort]

Tell the truth and the absurdity/stupidity is painfully evident. Funny for atheists/antitheists.

[TheEncogitationer]

Reg,

“Forty Days in the Desert” should be defined as “A synonym for permanent dehydration.”

Just as:

“Forty days on an Ark” should be defined as “A synonym for a nonexistent extinction event.”

[Author]

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