The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Thread
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Fellow Unbelievers:
There’s Bobby Brainworm’s and MAHA’s denial of The Germ Theory of Disease…
Then, there’s Bernie Sanders’ Socialistic disdain for the Bourgeois Capitalist choice of “23 kinds of deodorant”…
There are sundry and various Unabomber wannabes such as Anarcho-Primativists, Midievalist Romanticizers, and Eco-Wacko-ists who disdain the bath and shower…
There’s a “religion of peace” whose members ablute five times daily, but only for the self-debasement of prayer and who ruin their wash job with the dirty theocratic tyranny of Sharia Law and the bloody deeds of Jihad…
And finally. the latest Tic-Tok-ery crackpottery called “Pheromone Maxxing” (look it up on Forbes.com for a stomach-clearing epicac…)
Against them all, Trace Beaulieu (a.k.a. Mad Scientist Dr. Clayton Forester,) and Frank Conniff (a.k.a. Dr. Forester’s minion TV’s Frank,) have a MST3K spin-off show called The Mads Are Back!. And they present this classic short on Your Cleanliness with a fresh splash of humor.
Here, the Mads do right by preserving a vintage instructional on Civilization and Modernity against the Pig-Pens who would bring us into an Age that is both Dark and Dirty!
Enjoy in good health, won’t you?:
Fellow Unbelievers:
Today’s young skulls full of mush and geriatric-but-equal skulls full of mush would most likely view Escape 2000 as a cinematic prediction of The Gaza-Israeli War.
A closer look at the film reveals a much more complicated story.
First, this episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 begins when Crow T. Robot sets up a bogus charity and stupidly sets the Satellite Of Love on Fire.
Also Dr. Clayton Forester places his Mother Pearl Forester in a home, even though she has more of her faculties and even more evil tendencies than Mitch McConnell.
Later on in a host segment, Mike and Tom use a Bio-Feedback device to yet again set multiple fires in the Satellite Of Love, against Tom Servo’s debunking insults. Then, Dr. Forester tries unsuccessfully to bring cuteness to the program with Timmy Bobby Rusty.
Moreover, there are no stateless persons or colonizer settlers involved in the movie Escape 2000. No element of “race” or religion in the plot.
All persons portrayed are presumably U.S. Citizens and Citizens of New York State and New York City (albeit portrayed by U.S. and Italian Actors and with film production credits being predominantly Italians.). The atrocities and injustices in the movie are all forbidden by The U.S. Constitution, The Bill of Rights, and all enabling legislation.
The main villains are not the supposed Little Satan Apartheid Zionist Aggressor Israel. Rather, the main villains are a Fascist New York City Government and a Cronyist corporation, The General Construction Corporation headed by a Trumpian Mr. Clark. They team up to use accidents, epidemics, and a highly militarized and weaponized eminent domain by the Disinfestation Annihilation Squads to evict and kill off the Citizens of The Bronx.
MAGA, America First, the D.S.A., and the Red-Green Alliance would all be at home in such a world, but not Normies in favor of Enlightenment ideals.
The foil for these villains are another set of motley subcultured gang villains who live in the city sewers led by a charasmatic leader whom the Bots and Mike mistakenly call by the name “Toblerone.” Though “Toblerone” likes to laugh, he is no honey-sweet chocolate candy bar. Again, not for Normie Enlightenment types. Toblerone later makes an appearance at Gizmonic Institute and rescues Pearl Forester from her convalescent prison and whisks her off on a date.
The only real heroes of the movie end up as tragic heroes, the journalist Moon Grey and photographer Jay who expose the Government and G-2 atrocities. As Crow T. Robot smart-aleckly observes: “Rat-Woman is right! *HISS! HISS!*”. The main error of Journalist Moon Grey, aside from indiscretion, was that she used the word “Genocide” to describe the atrocities instead of the more precise and just as evil “Democide.”
There was one tragic child who knew how to rig explosive boobytraps, the son of crime overlord Strike, but at least he wasn’t brainwashed to see his highest aspiration as wearing dynamite and slaughtering Jews and other Kuffir to achieve Seventh Heaven. Fortunately, he was left to carry on, to carry on, and hopefully learn a better life than Daddy’s one day.
But the main distinction between this episode of Mystery Science Theater 300 and the Gaza-Israeli War is that no one either before or since has ever sang as great a cover of Journey’s song “Separate Ways” as Tom Servo! Majestic! If only everyone could join Tom in chorus, there would be no Gaza-Israeli Wars and the world would be a peaceful, free, friendly place!
So, come! Watch, sing along, and “Leave The Bronx!” whether you’re there or not, won’t you?
Fellow Unbelievers:
This episode of Mystery Science Theater has some unusual features. Joel and the Bots try to break the boredom of a rainy day with a poker game, but GPC (née Gypsy) can’t keep her poker face.
For the Invention Exchange,Joel is presenting The Children’s Book of Rainy-Day Epicacs and the Mad Scientists’ presentation is interrupted by a Labor/Management clash between TV’s Frank and Dr. Forester.
Joel later attempts to give the Bots a lesson in the History of Technology that somehow involved Comedian Gallagher and The Flying Nun, but only made them fall asleep, proving the need for better science communication.
Then there are two movie shorts: Aquatic Wizards which showcase water-skiing antics from the Fifties with obscure references to Rev. J.R. “Bob” and Connie Dobbs of The Church of the SubGenius.
Then, there is a movie short called Catching Trouble narrated by Ted Husing about Ross Allen, a modern Tarzan whose job is to catch wild animals like a bobcat, two baby bear cubs, and 3 6′ diamondback rattlesnakes. with the help of a faithful unnamed Seminole Indian guide.
In other words, a veritable display of some the worst traits of recent past times: racism, animal cruelty, and closeting of homosexuality/homophobia (Narrator Ted Husing affectionately calls Ross Allen “My boyfriend”.).
This is one of those shorts where all animals and humans were harmed in the making of it. Joel expresses apology to everyone everywhere for this awful short and with action figures and props, Joel exacts hilarious vicarious justice and vengeance on Ross Allen.
The main event movie Teenage Caveman, begins with a Genesis beginning. It features 25-year-old Rabert Vaughn as a Teenage Caveman who tires of life in his tribe and seeks to know about what life is like beyond the river, which is a land filled with animals with shoulders as high as men, small creatures all around, and trees filled with fruit.
His Father informs him of The Law that is The Word and The Word that is The Law, that it forbids the tribe from venturing beyond the river, that it is a place where he says the Earth is the consumer of men and there is a “God” there who gives death just by his touch.
The Teen Caveman also wonders why The Keepers of The Three Gifts of Man always keep making the same small fire, keep spinning the same small wheel, and keep building and then breaking what is built. The Black-Bearded One says The Law that is The Word that is The Law forbids the questioning of the Gifts of Man and the Gods. Nontheless the Black-Bearded one tempts the Teen Caveman to question further, by saying that nothing further to be learned here among the Tribe.
The Elder Keeper of The Law proclaims that two Symbol Makers are the glory and the light and that they can guide the tribe in a good hunt. The Teen Caveman Father who is a Symbol Maker takes the Teen Caveman into the cave of The Symbol Makers to tell of their ways and make the Teenager one of the Symbol-Makers.
Father tells the Teenager that the Symbol Makers have Gifts to reveal Signs and that it is against The Law that is The Word That is The Law to question the Signs, Gifts, and Mysteries of The Gods. Father then portrays The “God” that gives death with his touch and says that The Law that is The Word that is The Law is for the tribe’s protection and death will come to the Tribe if it is broken by any of them.
Members of the To ribe go out to hunt bear and one of their members is mauled by a bear and taken to the Elder Keeper of The Law, who sews his wounds. The Teen Caveman is tempted by The Black-Bearded One to lead another hunting expedition into the forbidden area beyond the river, so that hopefully The Teenage Caveman is found in violation of The Law that is The Word that is The Law and the Black Bearded One can assume the Teenager’s leadership.
The Teenager in the wild discovers how flexible branches can propel straight sticks and when strung with twine can make a bow. Others in the Tribe are sent to retrieve him from the forbidden area beyond the river. They encounter strange giant dinosaur like beasts, (ackshuyally gila monsters and allegators with fins glued on.).
Eventually, they encounter a large man-like being that looks horribly burned and meets the description of the “God” with the death touch. The Teenager attempts to make peace with the “God”, yet the “God” is killed by a rock from The Black-Bearded One, who then in turn is killed by the Teenager with a bow and arrow.
And The “God” is revealed to be a scientist survivor of a past nuclear Apocalypse with a fallout-covered protective survival suit and a book about life in the pre-Apocalypse which he wanted to share with the remnants of humanity. The Message to Humanity is then conveyed by the voice of the dead “God”/scientist to the movie viewers.
Midway in the Movie, Joel gives a thoughtful talk to the Bots about how human history is filled with incidents where the desire to be safe has conflicted with the desire to explore and find new truths and new ways of doing things.
The Bots in the end also don their own debris-encrusted survival suits and share a muck-covered letter from a MST3K fan.
Please give a watch of this unique episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and try to get through a day without giving up your Poker Face, without violent Labor/Management disputes, without drinking epicacs for fun, without cruelty to man and beast, without blindly following conventions without reason, and without killing fellow humans trying to impart a lesson…won’t you?
Fellow Unbelievers:
Here lately, there has been too much in the news to think about MST3K. The zone has been so flooded with so much crap, it’s enough to make even the most gentle of us start blasting at the many turds coming our way!
Fortunately, there is a harmless way to do it without innocent collateral damage: The MST3K. Episode with the Seventies Sci-Fi stinker Laserblast!
The prelude starts with Mad Scientist Dr. Clayton Forester disconnecting the Embillicus from the Satellite Of Love after his science funding gets cut. Clayton’s Mother Pearl packs up her big rig, since her free pad has been yanked from her too. Mike and the Bots then mimick the crew of Star Trek’s Enterprise and “Engage.”
The movie Laser Blast features a disaffected adolescent teen boy Billy whose Mom is absentee travelling frequently to Acapulco. He rides around aimlessly in his Chevy Van listening to Seventies Hits, attempting to court his girlfriend Cathy who has a shell-shocked Veteran Grandpa and trying to evade a pothead Klinger-esque cop and his Hank Williams Jr. partner who is 🎼”Ready For Some Footbaaaall!”. He gets bested by two racing rivals Chuck and Froggie when his engine won’t start for a challenged race.
In the first Host Segment, Crow T. Robot is tailed by Monad, a knock-off version of Nomad from Star Trek™:The Original Series. Like Nomad, Monad proports omniscience and omniperfection and roams the galaxy destroying “imperfections”. Fortunately, Mike does a Kirk and fibs to Monad which obliges Monad to destroy himself, though it only paralyzed Monad long enough to push Monad down the waste chute. Ah, fun!
Billy come across a weapon and an amulet left behind by Clay-Mation ™ aliens who land in the desert. All this after a previous Earthling had the weapon and was metamorphed into a storage creature and dispatched by the aliens with a disintegrating ray. The teen Billy wears the weapon on his arm and amulet on his neck and blasts away at bushes in the desert. Tom Servo hilariously risks eternal doom with the name he calls the weapon (I’ll let you hear it yourself.).
All the while, a Government agent is out in the desert searching for the aliens and the aliens realize they have left their weapon in the desert and go back to Earth to retrieve it.
After Billy’s extraterrestrial discovery in the desert, he meets his girlfriend Cathy and they go to a friend Franny’s Birthday pool party. As the party winds down and goes indoors, Billy catches Chuckie and Froggie trying to put the make on Cathy and Billy gets into a fight with the Dorkie Duo.
In the second Host Segment, the free floating Satellite Of Love encounters a field of Star Babies, with one of them needing a change. Mike communicates via walkie and instructs the space-floatiing Bots through the precision process.
Back at the party, while all the teens are sleeping overnight, Billy takes his new alien weapon and takes out his teen angst-ie rage on Chucky and Froggie’s Dodge Charger, exploding it, and all the while, the weapon appears to be taking him over and turning him into something strange as with the previous Earthling holder.
While the Government official and the Sherrif’s Office investigate the explosion,
Cathy takes Billy to Doctor Mellon (played by Roddy McDowell of Planet of the Apes™ monkey-movie fame) with a strange lump on his chest from where the amulet has rested. The Doctor takes and examines the object he removes from Billy and goes by night to the lab in Springfield (one in every State) to have it examined. While the Doctor is travelling by night, Billy is waiting on the roadside with his alien blaster and blows the Doctor in his car away.Police investigate Billy and release him, and the Government Official works with the lab to crack the mystery of the lump lump from Billy’s chest. The police stop by a closed filling station for a Coke and a bathroom trip, when Billy comes in his metamorphed state and blows away the filling station, and the cop car all together.
Meanwhile, later when Billy is back to normal, Billy and Cathy make love outside his Chevy Van and that’s all right with me, to quote Sammy Johns, who was a homey of my locale who wrote and sang the famous song. But all is not Afternoon Delight. Cathy finds the amulet and matches it to Billy chest hole and he makes his metamorphosis. She then screams and retreats.
In the next Host Segment, Mike saves The Satellite of Love from a Black Hole while dressed in drag as the most stunning version of Captain Janeway of Star Trek:Voyager and singing the sultriest cover of Tina Turner’s “Rolling on the River” at the same time! I just hope Mike’s Christian co-religionists didn’t give him too hard a time with a “come-to-Jesus moment.”
Back to the movie, Chuckie and Froggie have a new shiny Red vehicle after they told the insurer that the old car was destroyed by lightning. And are iding down the road to the tune of Charlie Daniel’s “The South’s Gonna Do It Again” sang by Tom Servo. Mike uses prodding questions to Tom and apparently has to explain to Tom off-screen why this is nothing to rhapsodize and Tom then eventually realizes how long we can all be.
Meanwhile, the Metamorphed Billy is still on a shooting rampage with his laserblaster and police are on his trail on land and air. Billy eventually sees Chuckie and Froggie going down the road and shoots their shiny red vehicle and adds real-life flames to it, to their undoing. He also shoots a Star Wars sign, a hippie whom he hitched a ride with, a Post Office Box, and a Newsstand, before the Government Official and Cathy and a Space Alien from above intercept him on a city street. The alien’s blast from his ship is what finally take Billy out. Finí!
After this, Mike and the Bots dispute Leonard Maltin’s ratings for movies, the Satellite Of Love reaches The End Of The Universe, then Mike and The Bots, GPC (née Gypsy), Cambot, and Magic Voice all turn into Pure Energy, Pure Thought, Pure Dove Soap (or at least99.4% Pure) and Pureness of all kinds. Then Dr Clayton Forester regresses back to infancy and Pearl has a chance to raise him again. Finí encore!
Fellow Unbelievers:
In this Episode of MST3K, Mike and the Bots use a “Find The Lady” card game to divert Mad Scientist Pearl Forester from unleashing a virus that will destroy half of Humanity as part of her ever-banal plan to rule the World.
Mike and the Bot’s great deed doesn’t go unpunished. They are condemned to watch what Pearl called “a dark, dreary, dubbed version of Hamlet made in 1960 for German television” otherwise referred to by Crow as “starchy, pork-filled German Hamlet.
(Parenthetically. It wasn’t all bad. It had German actor Maxamillian Schell as the title role Hamlet, who also played great roles in movies such as Judgment In Nuremberg and The Diary of Anne Frank . There was an early pre-Robocop Paul Verhoeven who played The Gravedigger, and there was uncredited dubbing work of Claudius by Richardo Montalban (Mister Roarke of Fantasy Island) and Polonius by John Banner (Sargent Schultz of Hogan’s Heroes)
Enjoy this rendition of William Shakespeare The Bard’s grand tragic play! Woulds’t thou?
After Act I, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo dress as Hamlet’s Ghost and unsuccessfully try to scare Mike. Mike’s natural and extant lineage foils the Bot’s attempt to evoke fear of the Supernatural!
After Act II, Crow and Tom experiment with their own version of Hamlet, starting with versions with a SCUBA diving version, then a version with bucket-headed actors, then all furniture actors, followed by a percussion version with bongo drums as Ophelia and maracas as Hamlet. Ah, fun!
The intermezzo is a game show called “Alas, poor who?…”. Where Host Mike presents various human bones of celebrities and the Bots have to guess whose bones they are.
For the play’s After-Party, Fortenbras, who didn’t appear in the German version of the play, shows up in Pearl’s lab and insists on acting with the full cast. Pearl couldn’t oblige with the full cast but did provide Fortenbras with a corpse, in her inimitable fashion.
The Bots get Mike a Hamlet Talking Action Figure with a long pull-to-talk string who then speaks his most famous soliloquy: “To be…or not to be…”
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