January 24, 2018 at 2:17 pm #7514
So thanks to @toms I’ve taken a much closer look at my own participation in codependency- and found some surprising similarities in how I interact with the people I care about. Surprised, but not impressed, I’m attempting to change my response structure, with somewhat astonishing beneficial results.
Example :- Close friend took about ten minutes to define a particular problem to me. Instead of the usual Why Don’t You… which would definitely have received a Yes, But… I simply responded, “yes, I see the problem” and stopped. Stopping was harder than I’d expected, especially when it was followed by an awkward silence between us. Then I simply asked what they proposed to do about it, and much to my surprise again, they answered with a constructive idea, which I was able to respond to by asking if there was anything I could do to help. It changed the entire flavor of our interaction, and in a good way.
I challenge anyone here to try it, in their own lives OR on the forums. The effect on me, was to discover myself in a position to actually assist, rather than just go in circles around the problem with no solution as an end result. I’m adopting this technique as much as I can going forward.
Anyone else have a technique that they’ve adopted to improve their interactions? I’m all set to try more stuff out, with any recommendation you’d care to toss at me 🙂January 25, 2018 at 12:00 am #7566
Thank you, Strega. I was a kid in a sometimes violent home and never learned how to make healthy r’ships. In 1972 I found Berne’s Games People Play, saw the WDYYB game and was sure he had written it about me. I stopped playing it as fast as I could and my results were like yours.January 25, 2018 at 12:21 am #7567
I’m a constant work-in-progress, Tom. You wouldn’t believe the hothead I was in my youth. Any more of such useful concepts you’d care to share would be received with gratitude 🙂January 25, 2018 at 1:01 am #7572
@strega – “The effect on me, was to discover myself in a position to actually assist, rather than just go in circles around the problem with no solution as an end result.”
– there has to be a link between this and the fact that “helping in response to need” is the no.1 ethical value. When someone is in need, and we approve of the person (i.e. have sympathy – give a shit), and we are unable to help, it is very painful for us. If this happens repeatedly, I believe this is compassion fatigue.January 26, 2018 at 12:25 pm #7588
January 26, 2018 at 2:27 pm #7589
- I don’t know what WDYBY means. But I know I’ve gotten to the point in my life that I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m tired of trying to make everyone happy. I think being honest with yourself is important. I also think there’s 3 sides to any story. Your side, their side, and the truth. Anyone who tries to tell me what to do or tries to make me feel like I’m not good enough can fuck off. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I am now all about self- sufficiency. No one in this world is going to save me. Ive given up on relationships and given up on most people. I’m isolated. And honestly I think it’s best that way. I’m not dependent of anyone anymore. I’m a life long hustler and that’s all. And a hoe. And proud of it. I’ve stopped caring about anything other than me and mine. I’m done with people.
@belen Belle, I see this as a tool for self improvement, which I am always looking for as I am a continuous work-in-progress. When @toms first mentioned it, I did not realize that it was a depiction of co-dependency. That’s not to say that every time someone says, ‘Why don’t you’ and offers a solution that this is wrong, nor that every time someone else says, ‘Yes, but’ that is also wrong. It’s when we get into a loop of it that it becomes interesting.
When you came to the conclusion that you have to be self sufficient, you took your power away from everyone who was trying to use it against you. That is not to say you cannot now request help from other people. However, unsolicited help is probably going to irritate you – nobody likes being told what to do.
If you are requesting help of some kind, then it might be easier on you if you specify exactly what help it is that you need, rather than just pointing at the problem. I don’t know. I do know that you are perfectly capable of interacting here on the forums and don’t need pseudo knights to dash in and ‘protect’ you. I believe in you Belle.
January 26, 2018 at 6:33 pm #7601
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Strega. Reason: typical typos
One key to a better life, is to always question your current way of thinking, and always be in a mode where you think about changing what is not working. Sometimes we can’t do that. Perfection is not an option. But now and then, we can make things go better.
Congrats @strega on taking a positive step in life’s journey 😀
January 26, 2018 at 6:49 pm #7603
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Daniel W..
WDYYB was @toms way of trying to get me to shut up by accusing me of playing games when I wasn’t. I’m tired of every little thing I do being told I’m wrong for it. And it has nothing to do with codependency btw. That’s something else entirely.January 27, 2018 at 3:09 am #7622
Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.January 27, 2018 at 6:48 am #7626
it’s a lot more complicated than that.January 27, 2018 at 2:04 pm #7627
For you, perhaps, but not for the meaning of the term ‘codependency’. That is not ambiguous. It is a category under which I would file the WDYYB behaviour.
When one is in a codependent relationship, one exhibits some, not all of the codependent behaviors. In order to effect self change with a view to self improvement, I cannot be defensive about my own behaviors or I’ll be stuck with them. I’m not attempting to improve myself for others, Belle, just for my own inner self – so I am quite happy to observe in myself, things that I can improve. Toms post enabled me to do that.
January 27, 2018 at 2:20 pm #7628
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by Strega.
I would find my 20 or 30 year-ago-self intolerable, no doubt.January 27, 2018 at 8:15 pm #7630
Hahaha Robert, I think I’d be scared shitless of my much younger self!January 28, 2018 at 2:10 am #7634
I don’t agree Strega.
Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement
That’s enabling. Not codependency. Just sayin’…I’m glad you found Tom’s words helpful and constructive. I personally found them insulting.January 28, 2018 at 2:33 am #7635
And…the interaction you described above has nothing to do with codependency either. It has more to do with detachment/attachment issues. That is also something else. That WDYYB bullshit is just old school pseudoscience.
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