Losing Friends to Religion

[DavisModerator]

To laugh at my weight struggles? To put me down?

Be it religiously motivated or not he sounds like a toxic asshole. A 15 page rant under any circumstances is extremely agressive. Smashing you over the head like that with your belief/non-belief is ugly to say the least. Accepting an apology but not giving one? Allowing a facebook post to wreck a friendship? I’d let this person go. It sucks losing a connection from the past but now he is a total adult but is mean and insulting. I don’t think you should worry about the religious element of it, or even believe that it is religion that has destroyed your friendship. He’s just not a nice person. And until he makes an effort to appologize and explain, he’s not worth it.

[DavisModerator]

I since learned that Facebook is NOT the place for anything resembling a meaningful or intelligent discussion

Yes. I don’t think you are losing much by disengaging from social media.

[_Robert_Participant]

Anna, I have also lost contact with old friends when I stopped believing. I just let them go because even Satan believes in god…so I guess I am worse then the devil himself to those people. There are lots of wonderful people who wouldn’t care !

[StregaModerator]

The person you miss, is not actually the person she is now.  The person you miss has gone, and is unlikely to return.  The person she is now, is totally incompatible with you.  Not because of her faith. Because of her attitude about her faith.

She may at some stage mellow, or deconvert, and then she will be yet another person – who you may or may not get along with.  But the one you miss has gone, and you’ll have to move on.

(Reg fixed your paragraphs!  And your English is excellent!)

[Belle RoseParticipant]

Just the simple fact of the way this person commented on your weight…They are not your friend.

I have many different friends from all different types of walks of life. Some agree with me, some don’t. Some think the way I do, some don’t. I think it is a sign of maturity when you can sit across the table from somebody who holds a different point of you and you, and agree to disagree, and still be friends. Honestly I think just about every person I call a friend thinks differently than I do. Variety is the spice of life. But the measure of a true friend is somebody who will be there for you, somebody who cares for you, and somebody who will have your back when push comes to shove. These last couple of years, I’ve lost a lot of friends. But ultimately what I realized was that they were never really good friends to begin with. One example is my best friend in the whole wide world…It’s a long story with her. But I discovered that she was not the person that I thought she was. It was pretty Trumatic to realize her true colors. And it was an eye-opener for me of the lies I was living in. She is somebody I thought would never turn on me. It still hurts to this day. But I am better off knowing the truth about her, than not. My personal opinion on the subject is that if a true friend is there for you, but you happen to disagree about religion or politics… Honestly? Who really gives a shit. But if they’re not the kind of person who would have your back… At the end of the day they’re not a true friend.

[Belle RoseParticipant]

…..Case in point, follow up.… I absolutely positively detest EVERYTHING about Donald Trump….But I have friends who voted for him. And they plan to vote for him again. I am amazed at their stupidity! We agree to disagree. When they explained to me there are reasons for supporting him, I can understand where they’re coming from to a certain extent. I don’t hold a grudge against them for their stupidity. I just let it go. And we enjoy our time together talking about other things that we do agree on.

But if any of them ever talks to me the way your friend did about my weight or made a condescending remark?…Oh hell no. All bets are off

 

[Simon PayntonParticipant]

@anna, it sounds to me like your friend could be depressed, and this conversion to Catholicism is snarling up the problem even worse.  Don’t take it personally.

[_Robert_Participant]

I had a friend who would tell me I was going to hell everyday. I used to answer with “thanks for caring” and tried to keep it light. It got worse and finally I asked him to stop with all that. He couldn’t. I threatened his house of cards with my very existence.

[AnnaParticipant]

@simon. Yes that is exactly what I thought.

She was always feeling isolated living abroad (she still does not speak the language very well although she spent 10+ years there) and additionally she lost two very close familiars in one single year. I was trying to be there for her, calling frequently, asking how she was feeling etc. I couldn’t be there physically for her on daily basis because I live in another country.

I imagine that after these two deaths and feeling isolated she developed a strong need to belong. I can understand that perfectly. There is nothing wrong with that. I would even encourage her to look for a church meetings or something similar knowing that it made her feel better. I am an atheist but I can understand those human needs. But instead she chose to stop talking to me.

I completely accept her way of living and her new beliefs (although I don’t agree with them) but cannot understand that she stopped accepting me and just threw away a lifetime of experiences we were sharing. I cannot even help her in case she is depressed because she won’t talk to me.

I suppose I know that this is the end of our friendship but it still hurts very much.

Don’t get me wrong I can perfectly assume friendships drifting away. I’ve been moving a lot and I made new friends every time and let friends go in many different places for many different reasons. I’ve lived in six different cities in four different countries, using five different languages for the past 15 years. But this one…this was one of the very few friendships that stayed strong throughout my life. And now it’s gone.

Thank you all for hearing me.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  Anna.

[AnnaParticipant]

@Dang This is so low! How could he laugh at your weight? It must hurt a lot to realize that he probably wanted to hurt you. I am so sorry about that. It is absolutely unfair.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  Anna.

[Simon PayntonParticipant]

Sometimes people feel like they’re a terrible person, and this translates into “sinner” which the Church promises to fix.  The more terrible she feels, the more susceptible she is to this way of thinking.

There are times when a depressed person will violently reject everything they love, because it’s antithetical to their new depressed way of being (hating life and the world).

[AnnaParticipant]

@simon, so what to do then? I would like to help her, I am almost sure that she is unwell but every intent of contact from my part was rejected. Should I just let it go? I don’t want to be negligent of her needs.

[Simon PayntonParticipant]

If she will read your communication, then I think the only thing you can send is a little note saying something like, “I think you’re depressed, and I’ll still be here for you when you are well again, even if you are still a Catholic.  I would like us to stay friends.”  Something along those lines.  It might mean the world to her, no matter what she says now.  If you have her postal address, then I think a letter is the best way to communicate, since it’s more permanent than e-communication.

Try not to let her make you her punchbag, why not say something to that effect too, in a kindly way, otherwise she might fall into bad habits.

[DavisModerator]

The most problematic thing for me is that I don’t know why it happened.

She became an ugly person. I am very skeptical that religion explains it all. Religion simply has the ability to bring out the ugly and crazy in people. From what I’ve read from you, the answer seems to be entirely within the conflict and problems in her life. If you are a rational person and actually read the bible and connect with it and gain wisdom from that pile of twisted bullshit, then you clearly have problems that need the help of a cognitive therapist, not a cult that turns you against your friends though a highly immoral and scary book of false hope and hate. I only know a tiny bit of the story you told, but I can very very confidently say its ALL about her and it is NOT YOUR FAULT. To turn on you like that was vicious, cruel, unwarranted and she went far beyond just religious tropes but got very personal and skanky. She should initiate the sky with you and unconditionally and repeatedly apologise and explain until she could gain your trust back again. It may actually happen once the wave of religious crazy passes (if ever). The whole story really sucks and is a total bummer and I think anyone would be seriously wounded by such a betrayal. I hope this lady one day gets some therapy to help her with her problems. We could all use a few session of cognitive therapy.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  Davis.

[Glen DParticipant]

“@simon, so what to do then? I would like to help her, I am almost sure that she is unwell but every intent of contact from my part was rejected. Should I just let it go? I don’t want to be negligent of her needs.”

 

Never ceases to amaze  me ; the level of kindness, acceptance and compassion I find on Atheist forums, vs from “big C’ **(loud mouth) Christians and others.

Of course continue to love her. But, it is not your responsibility to save her from herself. Sometimes, the best but hardest thing is to do nothing. Accept others eccentricities, but it is not Ok to allow anyone to abuse you, more than once.

**my darling late mum was a ‘small C Christian’; IE she gave witness to her faith by the way she lived ,she never preached and seldom judged , –although a fervent catholic, she could never stand “that slimy George Pell” ,long before he was in trouble.Mum was sharp as  a tack, to the day she died, a month short of her 93rd birthday.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  Glen D.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by  Glen D.

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