Intellectual jokes

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Simon Paynton 3 weeks, 5 days ago.

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  • #31642

    Unseen
    Participant

    So, you’re sitting next to some guy at the bar and you tell a joke but he has no clue what’s funny about it because he never went to college and his intellectual interests revolve mostly around sports, cars, and sex (possibly in that order).

     

    Philosophy:

    Rene Descartes is attending a soiree at the Palais Versailles. A sommelier approaches and asks, “Monsieur Descartes, would you like a glass of wine?” Descartes pauses and answers, “I think not.” And poof!–he disappears.

    The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: “Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?”
    Sartre replied, “Yes, I’d like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream”.
    Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, “I’m sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream — how about with no milk?”

    A seeker of truth went to India to study under a famed itinerant guru, a man whose teachings were revered as the absolute pinnacle of human wisdom. It took him years, but finally he tracked the wise man down.

    The guru was set to give a lecture in the town square and the seeker found a spot up front next to the throne-like chair his followers had prepared for him.

    The guru arrived, but just as he began to sit down a mad elephant burst into the square, and everyone including the guru started running away.

    The seeker caught up with him and asked, “You teach, do you not, sir, that the physical world is but an illusion?” “That I do,” was the guru’s reply. “Explain then, please, why are we running from the elephant?” The guru grinned broadly as he gave this reply: “What elephant? What running?”

     

    Education:

    It was finals day in the education class. The final was an essay question or, rather, assignment. It went “Design a test sufficient as a final test for a class like this.”

    After about a minute, one student got up and handed in this brief but to the point test design: “Design a test sufficient as a final test for a class like this.”

    The professor had to give the student an A.

     

    Physics:

    Similarly:

    A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100bn. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100m per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, “We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere… ”

     

    Mathematics:

    Three statisticians are out elk hunting. They spot a magnificent male with antlers for the record books. The first hunter aims and fires, but the bullet whizzes over the animal’s back. “Let me try,” says the second hunter who takes his shot, but this shot goes just under the animal’a belly. The third hunter starts shouting, “We got him! We got him!”‘

     

    Psychology:

    A behaviorist psychologist gets on an elevator on his way up to the Psychology Department’s floor. Along the way, another psychologist, also a behaviorist gets on and asks, “You’re fine. How am I?”

    A masochist walks up to a sadist in a bar and says, “hurt me.” The sadist says “no.”

     

    Linguistics:

    What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

     

    Anthropology:

    What did the indigenous person say to the postmodern anthropologist? “Can we talk about me for a change?”

     

    Chemistry:

    Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve noble gases here.” Argon doesn’t react.

     

    Hard to classify, but still intellectual and funny:

    This blind guy with a seeing eye dog walks into a department store. He picks up his pooch by the tail and starts swinging him around over his head. A concerned clerk rushes over and asks, “Can I help you sir?” The blind man replies: “No thanks, I’m just looking around.”

    Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do? A: Stays up nights wondering if there’s a dog.

     

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Unseen.
    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  Unseen.
    #31712

    PopeBeanie
    Moderator

    Not that intellectual maybe, but geek-related:

    Cab (or Lyft) driver tries to start up the vehicle, once, twice, three times. Finally says “Ok, I’ve seen this one before. Everyone get out and then get back in”.

    (If you don’t get it, it might be you’re too young.)

    #31713

    Why was Heisenberg’s wife unhappy?

    Whenever he had the energy, he didn’t have the time.

    #31714

    Unseen
    Participant

    Not that intellectual maybe, but geek-related: Cab (or Lyft) driver tries to start up the vehicle, once, twice, three times. Finally says “Ok, I’ve seen this one before. Everyone get out and then get back in”. (If you don’t get it, it might be you’re too young.)

    You may have to explain it.  (Pretending I get the joke) I’ll let you do it.

    BTW, I’m 73.

    #31715

    I think it is along the Microsoft help desk line of “Have you tried turning it off and back on again”? (or a DEC Vax emulator Lol).

    #31716

    However Unseen, when it comes to age, you are much too Yung to be a Freud of anything.

    #31717

    What do you call a three foot tall clairvoyant on the run from the police?

    A small medium at large…….!

    #31718

    PopeBeanie
    Moderator

    You may have to explain it.

    Reg got it. From back in the days of when systems (also including PCs and even Macs) would lock up, where only a full reboot would fix it. It was a common “fix” that many customers would not have considered.

    Experienced victims learned fast to save their work every so often as these “crashes” were one of the most common ways to lose hours of work. Another common buzz kill was for the storage disk (floppy or hard) to die, so people who hadn’t backed up their work to another disk could loose days or even months of work.

    Back in the days when nightly backups to tape was expensive but life saving.

    I’m 66 and have been a computer geek since maybe 10th grade, before they called the earliest ones in the math lab computers. They were “programmable calculators”. In my first real job, I worked on “progammable accounting machines” that sometimes had to boot up on program code from punched paper tape. The long term memory in a desk-sized one was a very expensive multiple platter, 256k hard disk drive.

    #31719

    Unseen
    Participant

    You may have to explain it.

    Reg got it. From back in the days of when systems (also including PCs and even Macs) would lock up, where only a full reboot would fix it. It was a common “fix” that many customers would not have considered. Experienced victims learned fast to save their work every so often as these “crashes” were one of the most common ways to lose hours of work. Another common buzz kill was for the storage disk (floppy or hard) to die, so people who hadn’t backed up their work to another disk could loose days or even months of work. Back in the days when nightly backups to tape was expensive but life saving. I’m 66 and have been a computer geek since maybe 10th grade, before they called the earliest ones in the math lab computers. They were “programmable calculators”. In my first real job, I worked on “progammable accounting machines” that sometimes had to boot up on program code from punched paper tape. The long term memory in a desk-sized one was a very expensive multiple platter, 256k hard disk drive.

    I’m a computer user from the very beginning of personal computing. My (our, since I was married to a young computer engineer) first home computer was a Northstar Horizon. Do you even know that machine or are you too young? LOL A few years later, I had my own CP/M machine and then an IBM PC. I was actually an Apple Customer Service guy for a few months, which taught me that Apple machines are not perfect.

    BTW, a little advice to anyone who is in the market for an Apple product. Understand that Apple physical stores and Apple’s online store are two distinct and separate divisions within Apple, and never the twain shall meet. If you want to be able to take your machine or phone to the local store for service someday, you need to buy it through a physical store. If you buy your machine through the online store, and it develops problems requiring service, you’ll need to ship it to a service facility.

    I would never buy an Apple computer or iPhone online for that reason.

    #31720

    Unseen
    Participant

    Gynecology joke:

    He’d always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.

    The gynecologist did his best-and was amazed to find he scored 150%. “How could that be?” he asked.

    “Well,” said the instructor, “I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it – a really fantastic job. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust pipe!”

    #31721

    Unseen
    Participant

    Chemistry joke:

    Q: You have to guess which of two men is a plumber and which is a chemist. You can ask one question they both have to answer. What question will immediately reveal which is which?

    A: Show them a card with the word “unionized” on it and ask them how to pronounce it.

    #31722

    Unseen
    Participant

    Topology joke:

    Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? To get to the same side.

    #31723

    Unseen
    Participant

    Mixed science joke:

    A man walks up to a librarian and asks, “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrödinger’s cat?” The librarian responds, “It rings a bell but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”

    #31750

    _Robert_
    Participant

    Why was Heisenberg’s wife unhappy? Whenever he had the energy, he didn’t have the time.

    I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, But you guys didn`t like it.

    #31751

    Simon Paynton
    Participant

    D’oh!

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