Dad dying….

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This topic contains 13 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Glen D 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #25869

    Ivy
    Participant

    How did you cope with the loss of your parent(s)?

    I’m too confused to say anything else. I just am wondering what everybody else has gone through with this

     

    #25870

    Both my parents died within 3 years of each other. I was 25 then. Due to the nature of the different terminal illnesses they had, I had known it was coming but that is irrelevant in knowing how you will react or cope with their loss. Life is terminal so it can happen at any time to anyone. I was relieved that their suffering was over. I know that is a bit cliched but I did feel that.

    As for cliches it is said that time heals all wounds and to a point this is true. As an atheist I understood that death is the end of life not the start of some trip to meet a sky god. I think this realistic approach helps us to better deal with our emotions and loss because it gives us the correct perspective to view things from. I had a childhood friend who spent time every day praying to (not for) her dead parents who died when she was 20. She had done so for years. I eventually got her to see sense and move on with her own life, as her parents would have wanted for her. It was only then that she started to deal with it realistically. As a theist she lived in a woolly cotton brained world of Jesus fantasies. Once she stopped that she “coped” and moved on. Life had stood still for her until then.

    The reward or punishment we get is in the legacy we leave behind and in how we are remembered. I have lived longer without my parents than I have with them being alive. They were great people and I am grateful to them for the upbringing I had. I don’t think I had any emotional issues over it. It is a normal part of life and I just got on with my own life while giving them consideration from time to time as they float in and out of their heaven in my head.

    There is no set way to deal with loss and no way of knowing how you will cope. If the chance to make amends or express our love if available to us then we should take it so we don’t ever have to think “If only I had said….”

    I think people who don’t cope are those that are dealing with their regrets rather than those dealing with loss.  Don’t try to take too much advice on board. Mostly grief is a process we all must go through but it does not have to be sad all the time.  Remember the good times.

    Feel free to write more here if it helps.

    #25872

    Strega
    Moderator

    The thing that helped with mine, Asianne, was the realization that, tragedy notwithstanding, pretty much everybody suffers the loss of their parents at some stage, so when I looked around and saw that people carried on, it kind of helped – sort of like graduating to a new strata of life.

    Funnily enough, I have a friend who is around 50ish and who just lost her father, her mother having died years earlier, and she announced that she felt like an orphan. I thought that was a bit weird but as Reg says, everyone copes differently.

    It can be a bit of a shock to discover that when you look around for an adultier adult, that’s now you.  You’re ‘it’. Tag.

    #25873

    _Robert_
    Participant

    I was estranged from my father and I found out years after the fact. I actually wish I could feel something but I could only remember a few good moments lost in time. I would be glad to be sad.

    #25876

    PopeBeanie
    Moderator

    My mom died a year ago this month. It was a relief after a couple years of my brother suffering through her dementia while caring for her. As for her suffering, it was often only temporary and she wouldn’t remember it the next day, like it never even happened. When I saw one of her brain scans, I was shocked, and knew right then and there it could only go downhill.

    I’ve had moments of wishing I had talked more with her about this or that when she was lucid. Mostly, I wish I had taken the first signs of her decline more seriously, like once when she got lost driving at night and was scared by it. My instinct was to calm her and assume it was an old age thing, but minor.

    I’m thinking more now about how I don’t want to be a long term burden when my time comes, and hope I can see it coming in time to prepare.

    #25878

    Unseen
    Participant

    My father was the greatest. Kind, helpful, and unjudgmental all while giving his kids plenty of space to lead their own lives, all that despite being a Christian. To me, he exemplified the good face of Christianity.

    In late 2011, I was called upon by my brother and sister to leave Oregon and return to Ohio to give him the daily care he needed to remain living on his own. I was the logical choice as the only one of the three who was renting and not paying off a mortgage and my sister also has a disabled grown-up son she and her husband support. I had no choice (but was at the same time happy) to return from Oregon to Ohio to help him.

    He declined and finally died in early 2014 while in home hospice care by me and my brother and sister. It was a hard choice to withdraw intravenous food and water, but on the advice of hospice care nurses, he was undergoing a fatal cascade of organ failures that would inevitably lead to death.

    It was what he wanted: “No heroic measures.”

    As an atheist, I don’t tell myself “He’s in a better place” or “Now he can be with mom” (who had died two decades earlier after a long illness. He lived to age 92, dying weeks after his birthday. That’s a longer life than I, a 72 year old diabetic, am likely to lead. And he led a more dramatic life than I have, having fought in the Pacific Theater in WW2.

    Still, I personally think that while it was great to have him as long as my family did, he lived a few years too long. In the end, day-t9-day life was painful and dehumanizing (as part of caring for him, I had to deal with bladder and bowel control problems from time to time.

    When it became clear the end was near, he was clearly terrified and his Christian faith was no help to him.

    You wanted to know how we dealt with it, that’s my story.

    If there is a lesson about losing our parents, it was given by Scott Simon of NPR (National Public Radio) “We Don’t Fully Grow Up’ Until We Lose Our Parents.”

    • This reply was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  Unseen.
    #25914

    Simon Paynton
    Participant

    There is an article here: “Things You Only Know If You’re An Adult Orphan”

     

     

    #25921

    Here is a good TED video on dealing with grief.

    #26216

    Ivy
    Participant

    I don’t think I updated but my dad passed away…it’s going to be a long road to get through this grief but I’ll get there. I have a lot to process

    #26217

    Simon Paynton
    Participant

    Sorry for your loss, Ivy.

    #26218

    Sorry to hear that Ivy. I will catch up with you soon.

    #26817

    Glen D
    Participant

    Sorry for your loss Ivy ,and for anyone else who is grieving,..

    My mum died on 13 April 2019. My dad died in October 2006 at 86.

    It’s said that the coping with the death of an elderly person is easier than that of a younger person.  I think that’s true enough, but it’s still hard, no matter how prepared you think you are..

    My dad was in care for 5 years. I watched him die by inches with arteriosclerosis. In his last year he didn’t know us, and was very abusive, often confused and distressed.. I would go home and cry. His death was a release for him, a relief to us.

     

    Mum went to live with my sis when dad went into care. She lived there for 17 years, going into care last year at her own request. Mum’s body failed her, as her mind was sharp up to a couple of days before she died.  She developed a bleed, and declined any but palliative care. There was an advanced care directive in place, which has the force of law  here.

    In her last 2 days mum had a morphine pump, and slipped quietly away a few hours after the last time I saw her. Mum was a devout Catholic,  had communion brought to her and received last rites. She was a month short of her 93rd birthday, and died too soon.

    I miss her every day and guess I will for some time. That’s OK, allowing myself to grieve is healthy.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Glen D.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Glen D.
    #26821

    Ivy
    Participant

    @Glen D….Wow… Your mom and my dad died on the same day

    #26841

    Glen D
    Participant

    @Glen D….Wow… Your mom and my dad died on the same day

    Yeah, weird, on one level. I guess I was so focussed on my own loss and grief it didn’t occur that a great many people all over the world, had probably died the same day.

    —and that’s ok. If we tried to extend our awareness and caring, we would go insane, imo.

     

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