Victim’s Remorse? Or something else?

Homepage Forums Advice Victim’s Remorse? Or something else?

This topic contains 38 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  PopeBeanie 1 month, 1 week ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 39 total)
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  • #50321

    Belle Rose
    Participant

    UPDATE: She was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for “competency” restoration….and she called me from the hospital. We talked. I don’t know what to do. I have nowhere to turn right now for “good” advice. To treat as a hardcore criminal, or a psychiatric patient? It seems to me like keeping her in the hospital is definitely the most humane. They’ve done wonders for her so far….but I don’t know what’s going to happen or if I’m even going to have any control over the outcome, but she’s begging me to help her get out of all of this. I don’t buy it. Don’t know how much or how little to tell the police.

    #50322

    Simon Paynton
    Participant

    You have to protect yourself.

    #50323

    TheEncogitationer
    Participant

    Bella Rose,

    UPDATE: She was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for “competency” restoration….and she called me from the hospital. We talked. I don’t know what to do. I have nowhere to turn right now for “good” advice. To treat as a hardcore criminal, or a psychiatric patient? It seems to me like keeping her in the hospital is definitely the most humane. They’ve done wonders for her so far….but I don’t know what’s going to happen or if I’m even going to have any control over the outcome, but she’s begging me to help her get out of all of this. I don’t buy it. Don’t know how much or how little to tell the police.

    Not your pay grade or your obligation to get her out, and you have every good reason to see that she stays away from you and the public at large. Tell Ossifer Friendly the truth, especially if that helps keep her away.

    #50324

    TheEncogitationer
    Participant

    Simon,

    You have to protect yourself

    What I said. Here and elsewhere. To an indifferent, oblivious audience at large.

    #50325


    Participant

    …but she’s begging me to help her get out of all of this.

    She’s a human being and she’s owed compassion and care, but you can’t be the one to owe it to her. She may be the victim of her own illness, and that may be an unfair burden for her, but you can’t help someone by ignoring your own safety and wellbeing. So do what keeps you safest. Her situation and the state of affairs with policing, mental health, criminal justice (etc.) aren’t on you. They can’t be. It’s an unfair situation you’ve been thrust into, and you do the best you can.

    I hope she gets the help she needs and that there is some sort of life ahead of her, but attempted murder/ suicide is well past the point any sort of relationship can be retained, even if it’s just talking to her on the phone because she called you. She shouldn’t be calling you. She needs to figure out her own path in life without you and without leaning on you.

    #50326

    Davis
    Moderator

    What Autumn said.

    #50345

    Belle Rose
    Participant

    So do what keeps you safest

    What keeps me safest is her getting the help she needs….And it doesn’t seem like there’s a way for that to happen. And it’s got me stressed out to the point where it’s affecting my job. Because it’s affecting me bad.

    #50346


    Participant

    Safest out of the options available to you. Whether she gets the help she needs or not is dependent on a lot of variables outside of your control. She’s one of those variables. I wish very much that the situation could be different or that you didn’t have to deal with this at all, but that may just not be an option.

    Does your work at least offer benefits so you can get support to help manage the stress and navigate the whole situation?

    #50347

    Belle Rose
    Participant

    Does your work at least offer benefits so you can get support to help manage the stress and navigate the whole situation?

    Thankfully yes….hoping they don’t give up on me. My attendance lately has been less than stellar

    #50348

    Belle Rose
    Participant

    Safest out of the options available to you.

    So far the options available are very disappointing….it’s really crazy.

    #50349

    The fact that she is begging you for help is very telling. If you help her, she will use that as the reason to keep in contact with you. If you don’t help her, she will also use that as a reason to keep in contact with you. If there is any contact at all then make it very brief. Use it to tell her that it up to her to remedy her own issues. But be very assertive and clear that you want nothing to with her…ever… no matter how reasonable or sane she seems to be. She crossed the line and there is no returning from that. There is no forgiveness here, no matter how empathetic your understanding of where she is at. She should not be making any contact with you.

    Also.. what Autumn said.

    #50350

    Strega
    Moderator

    Belle, there’s no scenario that ends up with you both kissing each other on the cheek and promising to write. You know this.

    You can never trust this woman again. Now that you have seen these aspects of her nature, you could never feel warm, safe and loved in a relationship with her.

    The safest route for you is to never meet or speak with her again. Just stop, block, cut off every avenue. This has the best chance of keeping you safe and letting you move on.

    She will get help, or she won’t. She’ll find another chick and do it all again. And again. There is nothing to salvage for you, just leave her alone. She’s never going to get over you if she still gets contact.

    #50351


    Participant

    Does your work at least offer benefits so you can get support to help manage the stress and navigate the whole situation?

    Thankfully yes….hoping they don’t give up on me. My attendance lately has been less than stellar

    What you’ve gone through typically results in psychological trauma. Psychological trauma typically needs care in the same sense physical conditions do because it is a neurobiological condition. It varies by jurisdiction, but usually this is something that warrants accommodation in the work place and for good reason. If you have a good employer, they’d work with you. I hope they are and that it’s something you’ve been able to discuss with them.

    But my point isn’t really about employment. It’s that you deserve grace, compassion, and the chance to heal. You are entitled to it. It’s not about them giving up on you; it’s about whether they stand by you and do the right thing.

    #50352

    TheEncogitationer
    Participant

    Belle Rose,

    Go to someone who specializes in debriefing for traumatic scenarios and Stockholm Syndrome. Your situation sounds like it has all the markings of it. Your identity is yours, not hers. Make your identity yours again!

    Please take care of yourself first wnd “Be Well.”

    #50862

    Belle Rose
    Participant

    After months on a waiting list I finally got in with a so-called trauma therapist and it’s bullshit. I don’t think therapy is going to help. She actually told me “this is not a place to vent.” If I can’t vent to a therapist what the hell am I paying her for? She has all these stupid worksheets that doesn’t help deal with my questions and the decisions I have to make…I guess it’s a cold hard world and I just have to figure it out myself. That’s always been the only real answer…

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