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maxalberts posted an update 8 years, 3 months ago
Hey, folks! I wanted to share a phenomenon that happened to me that may strike a chord in others. I spent much of 2017 in hospital for chemical dependency and heart-related issues. The treatment center endorses the 12 steps of AA and emphasizes the concept of a “higher power” that can save you from–essentially–yourself. One morning I woke up and was shuffling along the corridor on my way to breakfast when the whole idea just dissolved from my mind. I mean, one second I was a fervent (and anxiety-riddled) believer and the next I wasn’t. It was as if I’d dropped a thirty pound sack of flour to the floor. And I’ve been happily sober ever since. I think the psychological term for it is de-conversion. Obviously, I’m still wrestling with efforts to figure out just what and how it happened, but it’s a feeling akin to plopping into an overstuffed easy chair recliner after a long days exhausting work. Al comments are welcome. Best regards to everyone in 2018.
Hey, Bellen! Thanks for your great questions. First of all, my compassion and empathy to you for what you’re suffering. I have stopped attending AA meetings altogether. Those rooms seem to me full of people in serious need of psychological help. The last straw occurred the day I sat down next to a woman with a care-giving do in tow. We began a conversation and she announced–out of the blue-that she was pregnant with triplets even though she was 60 years old. She shared that her doctor didn’t believe her, nor did her family, but God alone gave her the knowledge of her pregnancy. She had come to AA not because she drank or took drugs, but because she heard somewhere that it was a place you could go to share anything on your “mind.”
Upon quitting AA and entering treatment, I found a valuable piece of health that works wonders for me: simple mindfulness, Paying attention to what’s within and around me. Slowing down to see and breathe, touch and taste and smell. Simple stuff I never would have thought to do when I was drinking.. My spiritual journey has always been exceedingly private, much more so than most peoples’ .I can promise you nothing but that the realm of the senses is wonderful and can be enjoyed for its own sake. I find it much easier to stay sober now. My doctor has put me on Naltrexone, an anti-craving drug taken once a day, and that helps. And, of most importance (I think) is the loss of a fear of God. I’ve brought so much baggage into middle-age that I should have dealt with ten or even twenty years ago. I make MY OWN CHOICES now and understand that the past is real and cant’ be escaped or avoided through s pink cloud recovery. Our past has shaped us as much as our present and deserves to be learned from and embraced. If there is a god, that entity’s “will” for humanity s to go out and pay with the rest of the animals we’re lucky enough to be with on earth, No heavy tripping on “seeking guidance”–your own intuition can give you that. So maybe think about some of the stuff I’ve written here and use anything you find valuable and helpful. my very best—Max